Memories Monday - Being Pregnant

One of my cousins and a friend of mine is pregnant so of course that brings me back to thinking about when I was pregnant........

My very first pregnancy was so exciting when it happened, but sadly I had a miscarriage when I was about 6-7 weeks along. I was so devastated and it hurt so much. I had wanted to have a baby for just about my whole life.

3 months later though, I was blessed to be pregnant again. We hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet, but we were pretty sure I was pregnant. I even went on a ride on a Harley, and if I didn't get my period after that, I knew I had to be pregnant. Sure enough, the stick had 2 pink lines. I was so excited but yet still so nervous because I was afraid I was going to miscarry again. Even though I was told it was fully okay to exercise, I was paranoid about doing too much that would cause me to miscarry. I was SOOOOOO incredibly emotional too. Hubby and I would get into arguements and I would just go SOOOOOOOO over the top. We look back at that now and laugh, but I certainly wasn't laughing at the time.

I LOVED feeling my daughter move inside me. I loved the kicks. I loved everything about my pregnancy. I even smiled through the nausea. She was such a wanted baby!!! I did do the mistake about "eating for two" though, because I think sometimes I ate for 3 or 4! LOL!! One of the only things that sucked was being 9 months pregnant in the summertime. And of course it had to be a HOT summer too!! My husband had training out in the desert and had to take my car that had air conditioning in it, which meant I was stuck with the SUV that didn't have it. Not fun. I drove as little as possible.

I also got Gestational Diabetes with my first one too and that wasn't fun at all. I did get lucky though and never got the hemmoroids that can accompany pregnancy, although I did have to take stool softeners because of the extra Iron I had to take with the prenatal vitamins.

My 2nd pregnancy......I didn't think I was pregnant at all when I was. I got my period. Or what I thought was my period. It came on time, but it was so light. I waited a few days and it never really came (I ALWAYS had heavy periods). So about a week later, I thought, hey, maybe I should take a pregnancy test. I think I have the symptoms, but I'm not sure. Sure enough, a faint pink line showed up on the stick. I didn't even tell my husband that I bought a pregnancy test. We just thought I wasn't. So I showed him the stick and he was in shock! We even went out and bought another test to make sure!

This pregnancy? Definitely different in some ways than the first. I kept spotting off and on during the first trimester. I was so terrified that I would lose this one. But everytime I went in, things were fine and my cervix was closed. It turns out that I had an erosion on my cervix (kind of like a scrape - don't ask me how it got there, I have no idea - we're not that kinky) and while my cervix was closing up and hardening, it was causing irrititation to the erosion, causing it to bleed. I made sure I watched what I ate this time and exercised a LOT more.

I still got Gesational Diabetes though with my 2nd pregnancy.

Now that my youngest is going to start Kindergarten next year, I'm getting that feeling again. I see pregnant bellies and think "Oh, I loved my belly when I was pregnant!" "I loved feeling the kicks" It's true what they say about you blocking out the pain of childbirth, although between my first and second, it took almost 5 years for me to get over the birth of my first daughter. I was in labor 16 hours, pushed for 3 hours and she wasn't coming through the birth canal, so I had to have a c-section. With my 2nd? Oh, she decided to come early ( or rather my body decided not to be pregnant anymore) and so they originally stopped my labor, then when my body started having complications, started my labor up again, and I was able to have my 2nd daughter vaginally.

Let me tell you, having a baby the normal way, vaginally, is SOOOOOOO much better than having a c-section. The recovery process is like night and day. I had trouble walking after my c-section, it hurt so much. After having my 2nd daughter, I was walking around that day. Did it hurt? Oh yea. But it was still so much better than having a c-section. With my c-section they actually had to put me out because I was still feeling them cut me. With my vaginal birth I got to see my daughter be born. And I cried I was so happy. Had I had a vaginal birth with my first one, I would have had my 2nd one much sooner.

Oh, and epidurals? A god send! Pain and me do not mix. Before I got my epidural with my 2nd one, I was having a contraction and my aunt is standing there saying, "You're having a contraction" No shit!

But alas, I am done having children. Hubby had that taken care of. My body just didn't like being pregnant and didn't do well the 2nd time and I'm not going to put my body through that again, and have a chance on having something happen to me. Plus hubby and I don't want to get outnumbered in the house!

So now we have animals........... :D

Memories Monday - Flashback To The 80's

This past weekend my husband and I were watching VH1's 100 top 80's songs. What a flashback!

I grew up in the 80's. The music was SO important to me in the 80's. My friends and I would go to dance clubs and concerts all the time. Our whole world revolved around music. Posters up on the walls, records, 12" singles, imports, going to see bands down in Hollywood,etc.

And so many songs bring back so many memories for me!

Duran Duran's Rio album.....I remember listening to that one summer night while all my friends had dates or other plans. It was still so warm at night, but cool enough to be tolerated. I sat right next to my stereo on the floor just listening to it. That and Simple Minds.

The Smiths' "How Soon Is Now"......everytime I hear that song, even to this day, reminds me of when me and my friends went to the beach one summer day.

Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again".......riding in my friends car in the summertime, just driving around at night.

Soft Cell...........Dancing at Network in Glendale.

Spandau Ballet......Dancing at 321 in Santa Monica.

Guns & Roses.....going to a party out in Chatsworth.

Def Leppard.......going to their concert (my very first concert), watching their Photograph video on MTV at my friend's house before we left for school.

Depeche Mode.....oh, so many different memories in so many different places it's hard to just name one.

Thompson Twins.....again, at Network in Glendale. That and the song "White Lines", the group Yaz, and so many more....

We were also talking about how much fun it was back then too. I loved going to parties! We all just had SO much fun! Yes, there were many drunk nights, and many nights that we probably wish we could forget. Breaking curfew, driving way too fast to get home by curfew, sitting in my room at night in the dark, listening to music while looking at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling.

There are times where I want my daughters to be able to experience what I did growing up, but mostly I'm like "Hell No!" When we went to parties there were no guns that would be drawn, people most of the time respected the fact that, "no, I'm not into that drug", or "no thanks", or maybe it was the fact that we were just lucky back then? I met so many different types of people in high school and I accepted the different lifestyles they led, or how they dressed, wore their hair, etc. When I see kids with mohawks or different colored hair, I'm like, "Oh, that's SOOOO 80's, you know?"

Memories Monday - Breastfeeding

I was reading The Sarcastic Journalist yesterday and she was talking about breastfeeding. Her post brought back so many memories!!

With my first girl, I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I never thought I would breastfeed for that long. My aunt breastfed for about 3 months with each of her two girls and I figured I would probably do the same, and I would supplement with formula so that she would get used to having formula for when I quit breastfeeding. Along came my little girl. It took me a few times to get it right (I even had a lactation consultant in the hospital help me - trust me, it's not always as easy as it looks) but we were doing fine. I supplemented with formula and everything was going fine until she was about 2 1/2 months old. She got sick and could hardly keep anything down. The formula she spit up right away, the breastmilk, she kept down better. So that was it. The formula was OUT the door! From then on I exclusively breastfed her.

Once you get used to it, breastfeeding is the most wonderful thing between a mom and her child, and it's so easy! Nothing to prepare, just whip it out and feed her.

Soon came the teeth. I had heard all these stories and so I was waiting for the OUCH!! to come along. She did nip once or twice, but she soon learned that if she wanted it, she better not bite. My first one was a marathon breastfeeder. She would go for a 1/2 hour or more.

When it came time to wean her, it was a slow process. When she was a year old, I had the breastfeeding sessions on a more structured timeline. That way, slowly I could cut them out one at a time. The last one to stop was that one in the middle of the night. Hey, that was my secret weapon to her getting back to sleep and me not having to be up all night long (not that that mattered, she was a night owl from the beginning). It was definitely sad when I quit breastfeeding her, at least for me, at 18 months. Good thing was that I didn't get my period until she was a year old when I started cutting back!

Along comes my 2nd and last child. Now, this time, I was going to breastfeed her exclusively from the start, and if she kept breastfeeding until she was 2, that was fine by me (and by that time, they aren't clamoring for the boob all day long, it's usually only at night time). Well, she came early. Six weeks early, and so when I gave birth to her, I could hold her for a minute, but then they had to take her away to NICU to be examined and taken care of since she was early. I missed out on having her breastfeed right there after she was born. I made it crystal clear though when she was in NICU. No formula. Only my breastmilk. They gave me a pump and I religiously pumped every 3 hours to get the colostrum for her and my milk going. She finally got to have it after a few days and once she got used to it, taking it from a bottle, I got to try breastfeeding her. Well, you would think that since I did it before with my oldest that I would have it down pat. Yea, no such luck. I had to have the lactation consultant come in again to help me with her. Hey, it had been 5 years since I breastfed.......

So we get home. Breastfeeding is going good, although let me tell you one thing. Breastfeeding every 3 hours when they are newborns? BWAHAHAHAHAA!!! Yea, that's a good one, try every hour or so! I had never been SO incredibly sleep deprived in my life! There was a time I broke down and cried in my husband's arms because I was so tired! But I also was determined. No formula. My breastmilk was the best.

**************Note: Not to say that formula isn't good for babies, obviously it is for women who cannot or don't care to breastfeed. I don't want to start a breastmilk/formula war here....

They say to give it six weeks to get things going. That's about right. It's more like at least 2 months though for me though. Also, they'll go through growth spurts at times and want to nurse more, and that's just nature's way of increasing your milk supply.

Now my 2nd one? She liked to bite and nip. And she would do it a lot!! She was awnry from the start! She also liked to look around, but wanted to keep nursing while she was doing it, so she would try and take "me" with her while turning her head. Then she'd look at me and smile. Awnry little cuss! I breastfed her too until she was 18 months old (like I said those last couple of months are just once a day, at night), but I was fine quitting when I did, this time. My boobs wasn't being bit or pulled at anymore.

*Downside of breastfeeding:

You certainly can't go out by yourself for very long at first, unless you have a stash of breastmilk in your freezer, and that's only if the baby will take it from a bottle. Oh, and if you're away from her and you think about her? You'll start leaking for sure!

Clogged milk ducts. Holy shit, they hurt! You'll squeeze your boob in every possible direction just to get that thing unclogged!!

When/If they do bite you, damn, it hurts.

Wearing nursing pads. Hey, let's face it, unless you're wearing a good thick shirt and thick bra, they show through.

Leaking if you don't wear nursing pads. Not fun.

Establishing the milk supply that first six weeks and having no sleep? Yea, not fun either.

*Upside of breastfeeding:

Squirting your husband from across the room.

Not having to prepare formula.

The unbelievable bond you form with your baby while nursing.

It delays your period from coming back. Definite plus!

You can eat just about anything you want and you won't gain weight. It's true!

"Sorry hon, I'm breastfeeding, can you get that?"

Dr. Doolittle?

Within the past year, our household has gone from ZERO pets to 14!!! Okay, now granted, 11 of those are fish, but still.......

Last year for my eldest daughter's birthday, she wanted a hamster. Thus started pet number one.

This year for my youngest daughter's birthday, she wanted a fish tank. Then came number, 2, 3, 4 & 5.

A couple of weeks later, at my work, I acquired a kitten from the whore momma cat in the back of our office. That's #6...

***Story about why she's called the Whore Cat......... This cat is your basic alley cat. My boss found her one day just about dead and gave it some food to keep it alive. Well, she's alive and well now and since hanging around the back of our office, she's had about 3 litters. Now, the reason she's called the whore cat is because she goes looking for it when she's in heat. It's not like she waits for her "suitors", or is getting "attacked" by the male cats, because there are places behind our office where she could hide and not have to worry about the male cats. So we know she goes out looking for it, hence the "Whore Cat" nickname.

Then, a few weeks after that, my aunt tells me she's moving across country and didn't really feel like she could take their dog. So I offered to take him for her. Now we have #7.

So you say, okay, that's 7, where's the other 7? Yea..... A couple of the Molly fish that we got ended up having a shit load of baby fish. We think they may have been pregnant when we got them, as they had their babies about a month later. So now, after the baby fish were "weeded out" by the other fish, 7 baby fish have survived over a month and a half now...

So here I am, in a 1200 sq. ft. house with 14 animals, 12 of which are contained in a cage or tank, thank goodness!!!

Our dog? A German Shepard, who is a very nice dog, but definitely has a bark that would scare people.

Our cat? Well, she's inherited her alley cat "toughness" from her momma. Word to the wise, if you ever come in our house, wear shoes or socks, otherwise she'll attack your feet. Okay, granted, she still is a kitten, but she's got a bite that'll make you yelp!

We've got our own security here people.....if they get past the dog with his loud bark, watch out for the cat...............

Love Thursday - Love In the 1940's

Okay, I'm going back again in time to the 1940's. I can't help it. My grandma has such amazing pictures that just show love, I have to display them.

This one is of my grandma and my grandpa John in 1945 in San Francisco, CA:



You can tell they were just having the time of their lives. And what better way to show how much they love each other than by posing in front of a silly cutout. :)

What a story they had......

My grandma and her little sister went to live with her Aunt Edie after their mom died. (Back then, I guess it wasn't right for a father to raise his daughters without a female presence around). But they got to come back every summer to be with their dad. Well, one summer, upon coming back, after finishing high school, she met John. The next summer after coming to visit with her dad, her and John were deeply in love and eloped because they knew Aunt Edie wouldn't approve.

Shortly after they got married and my grandma got her period, my grandpa John said that he would go to the market to get her the stuff she needed and when the bag boy asked if he wanted a bag, he said no, and proudly displayed it when walking back home so the whole town could see that she had her period and that NO, they didn't elope because she was pregnant. LOL!! I have letters that my grandma wrote to him, that he saved, when he was traveling out to California from South Dakota so that he could find better work so they could have a better life. I would have loved to have met him, but sadly he passed away when my mom was a teenager.

Memories - Coming Home

My husband will be coming home very soon, after being out to sea for 5 weeks. We are all very excited to see him. He's on his 3rd tour (not in a row, mind you) of sea duty, which mean he'll be going in and out to sea for about 3 years.

Which brings me back to the first time he came back from being out to sea for six months.

We had gotten married a week before he left for his six month deployment (no, I was not pregnant), and so, as you can imagine, I was very excited for him to come back!

Back then, there were only men on the ship, so as the carrier was pulling into port, it was playing "They Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy.

The sailors were up on the flight deck manning the rails.

I'm on the pier, trying to scan every single man up on that flight deck, hoping I can see him. Yea, unless you have a good set of binoculars, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

My in-laws were there with me, along with his aunts and uncles too, waiting with anticpation to greet him again. I just wanted my husband home. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to take him back to our apartment I had gotten for us while he was deployed.

Finally, the carrier docks.

Then it takes a good 1/2 hour or so for them to get the stairs ready so the men can come off the ship.

Now let me tell you something about how they let them off the ship. The men who's wives had babies while they were deployed get to get off first, along with the senior staff of the ship. Back then, my husband was pretty far down low on the pay grade scale, considering he had just joined, so it was going to be a while.

While searching for him, I saw a friend of ours who had already gotten off (he was one of the new daddies) and asked him, "Where is he?" And he said he had seen him back a little ways.

So I go walking back to where my in-laws where and then all of the sudden, my husband comes up from behind me and grabs me. I screamed so loud! He swung me around and then we were hugging and kissing and crying because we were so happy to see each other!

My husband's dad was able to get us in mid-hug........




Awwwww.........




That was over 13 years ago.



Sometime next year we'll do this long deployment again for the sixth time.

Just A Little Weird Thing....

Cutting yourself shaving hurts. It's that annoying sharp pain, and you're like, Damn!

Okay, it hurts even worse when you do it on your underarms! I swear, in the twenty-some odd years I've been shaving I don't ever remember cutting myself shaving my armpits!!

Just one of those weird things to share.....

Love Thursday......YUMMY!

Chocolate Chip Cookies.............Yummy!!!!!

Memories Monday - Sharing A Room

My eldest has her own room. She's always had her own room. Even when my youngest was born and we lived in a two bedroom place, she still had her own room because the baby was in our room and we bought a house when she was 3 months, so she still got to have her own room.

I remind her of that constantly. That she's lucky to have her own room. We're in the process of "re-doing" her room, because she saw a friend of her's room and now she wants to change it. Well, because she can be flighty like that, I told her that we're not painting her room. I'll just do accessories, and only ones I can find on sale too.

Anyway, that brings me to me. Growing up I did have my own room.....that is until I was 6 and my first younger sister was born. Then, 4 years later, my youngest sister was born and then I had to share a room with TWO sisters!

(a bit of history here......my mom was a single mom with ROTTEN luck in men, and raised her 3 girls by herself, we grew up in a one bedroom duplex. My mom slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room)

There was a point when I was in 5th grade or so, and I wanted my own room SOOO bad, that my mom (bless her heart) converted our dining room part of the kitchen into a little bedroom for me (I think she put the dining room table in the living room?). But that didn't last long, I didn't like being in there.

Come junior high and high school, my youngest sister is getting older, getting too big for the crib, so my mom has to come up with a different solution for the 3 of us in that room. So we kept the trundle bed we had (for my youngest sister) and got me and my younger sister bunkbeds. I was actually SO excited to get these bunkbeds! It had a dresser and even a little closet too. I finally go to have something that was all MINE in that room. I got the closet. I was hoping to get all of the dresser drawers in the dresser too, but my sister got to have two of them.

I, of course, got the top bunk. I loved it. It was my own little haven. My mom put a shelf up there on the wall for "my stuff". I put my posters up there. I had Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, Madonna posters up there and many more.

When you have to share a room with siblings, it just is SO nice to have your own "nook" of the room all to yourself.

I was ALWAYS jealous of my friends, because they all had their own rooms. They also were all only children too, so they didn't even have to worry about sharing a room. One of my friends even had a 1/2 bath attached to her bedroom, which made me even MORE envious!

But you know what? If any of them thought any different of me, they sure didn't show it. They didn't mind coming over to my house to my room. My mom was good though about letting me have the room to myself sometimes when I had friends over, she knew it was special for me. Plus my mom was a "cool" mom too.

I did finally get my own room, when I moved out on my own! LOL!! But you know what? I didn't even care to be in it all that much! When I moved out, I had no bedroom furniture at all! My mom let me take this closet thingy that had wire baskets and that was my dresser. A plastic table was my nightstand, and I bought a mattress from my mom's neighbor for $25.

Eventually, when I moved in with another friend a year later, things got better. I bought a dresser and nightstand from a friend of mine. I was in HEAVEN with the dresser and nightstand! FINALLY! I had my OWN! And it was a real dresser and nightstand, not a converted one. An older sister of mine gave me her queen sized bed, with a frame for the mattress too! No more mattress on the floor! I did enjoy being in my room then.

Now I don't have my own room, but I sure don't mind it at all. I'd much rather share my bedroom with hubby than have one all to myself. :)

Love Thursday of a New Sister

My oldest was SO excited to have a baby sister! When I was delivering her baby sister, she was outside the waiting room and was such a ball of excitement, she could hardly contain herself.

Here they are together and you can see how happy my eldest is to have her sister and how much she loves her.

You can read and see more Love Thursday posts here at Love Is All Around and Chookooloonks

Memories of Me Monday

My youngest can talk a person's ear off if she knows them well enough. She will talk and talk and talk and talk. Which reminds me of something my grandma said to me once. She told me that I used to talk and talk like that when I was little. We would be shopping, or standing in line and I would just talk non-stop. Of course I don't remember that, since I was so little. But I do have "semi" proof of it. On my 1st grade report card, the teacher made a notation that I was very talkative in class. Not so much talkative as to interrupt class constantly, but very vocal in answering questions, asking questions, etc.

All of that changed though, when I got into 2nd grade. See, we moved and I had to go to a different school. New school, new people, new teacher.....I suddenly became shy.

And I think I was that way for a long time. Of course when I was around my friends, I wasn't shy at all. In fact, when we all started liking boys in junior high and high school, I would be the first one to go tell the boy that so and so liked them (ONLY if they asked me to do that).

In high school, I don't think I would consider myself shy, I mean I would talk to people and such, but when it came to talking to a boy I liked, forget about it! I would NOT make the first move. Even if he made the first move and talked to me, I still would have trouble making conversation at first.

It wasn't until I got out of high school and worked at Contempo Casuals (remember that store?), and I was the cashier, so I HAD to talk to the customers. I still was never Chatty Cathy, by any means, but it definitely helped me!

Also, when I moved out on my own with my friend, we had guy neighbors downstairs from us, and I became friends with them and being around guys more, helped me to talk to guys a lot more.

And so then came the night that I met my future husband. I certainly didn't know it at the time though. I actually initiated the conversation with him.

I've come a long way baby!

Love Thursday, Back to the 1940's

This picture was taken circa 1940.

That's my great-grandpa Owen on the far left. My grandpa John is right next to him cracking up, and his two brothers are next to him, Ken and Newt.

I love this picture SO MUCH! Even though my grandpa Owen has, what looks like, a solemn look on his face, it's actually a "I'm a proud dad and look at my three handsome sons next to me". He LOVED his children SO incredibly much! And you can tell his three sons are having the time of their lives.

I'm still researching, by talking to family, as to why the picture was taken. Even if I don't find out, I still love it.

And what a better picture to represent the 1940's, eh? Four men in suits, hats and smoking cigars!

Nothing says love better than family being together enjoying themselves.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday.

In honor of her, I am making the tacos she used to make for us when we were growing up.

I make these tacos only once a year, October 11th.

I love you and I miss you terribly Mom!!!!

Kiss The Girls And Kick The Cat.....

That has been my husband's "sign off" in his latest e-mails.

He's out to sea right now and so the only way we can communicate is via e-mails. But thank goodness for e-mail!!! When we first got married, he left a week later for six months. Other than calling me when he got into a port, the only other way we communicated was through regular snail mail. Sometimes it would be weeks before I received a letter and then I would get like ten of them all at once, and sometimes they were out of order too.

Nowadays we can talk to each other via e-mail and carry on conversations to the point of almost instant messaging. I can send him pictures, short movies of the girls, etc.

Gotta love technology!!!!

Oh, and as for the "kick the cat" part, well, let's just say we have a wild cat. We've nicknamed her the "Vampire Cat". She's only a kitten still, born around July 1st, but we'll be walking down the hallway and she'll come up behind us and start attacking our feet and legs! WHILE we're walking!! It's a rare moment that she'll let us just hold and pet her. She lets me hold her more than she'll let anyone else though. We can't even let her in the bedroom at night because we'll get no sleep! She'll just attack at will, if she's awake.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to stock up on bandaids.........

It's a Love Thursday Again!

This picture was taken when my eldest was almost 4 years old. My mom had come down to visit. They were on the back patio playing and I was inside. I saw them sitting there, leaning against the back patio door and I just had to take this picture.

My mom just LOVED to watch her granddaughters. She loved to sit and talk with them, listen to them and just enjoy them. She didn’t have to take them on special trips, buy them special presents, she was just there.

My mom and my eldest had SUCH a special relationship between them. Even though it’s been almost two years since my mom passed away, it’s still hard on her. And me too……

I framed this picture and gave it to my mom for a present one year. It’s now in my eldest’s bedroom.

What A Day!!!!

I'm telling you, my youngest had better adjust to Daddy being gone soon!!! It is SOOO trying for me!!

I am trying to be as patient and understanding as possible, but still, she's got to listen!

Okay, yea, so I am PMSing, so what! So maybe it's making me a little bit more short tempered than normal. Too bad! Bite me baby!

So watch, she adjusts about a week before he returns from being out to sea. Then she has to adjust all over again when he's home? I sure hope not!!

Is it bedtime yet?

The Baking Torch Has Been Passed Down....

My eldest asked if she could bake some chocolate chip cookies all by herself today.

She has helped me in the past, but has never used the mixer. But I thought, hey, why not?

So I allowed her. She's almost done with her cookies and she has done a fabulous job! She followed the recipe, used the mixer just fine and is even using the oven by herself too! Of course I am here to supervise, no way is she allowed to use it without me being here.

But I am SO proud of her!!! I have always loved baking, whether it's cookies or cakes. I'm so glad she likes doing it too!

So it looks like I won't be getting to bake cookies that often anymore! Not that I did it that much anyway, but I have a feeling that everytime I do need to make them, she'll want to. It's okay. I know my mom let me do it when I wanted to as well. :)

At least I got to make bread by myself today. :D

Another Update on ME

It's Saturday.

It's now been a week and a good week at that! There was only one major instance that I can think of where I got very emotional, and that's when our dog put a claw mark or two on the front door. See, we just got this dog. He was my aunt's, but she is moving to Kentucky :::::Sniff, sniff::::::::, and had to give him up. We offered to take him. He REALLY is a good dog, but he's a people dog. The dog won't even go outside to pee unless someone is outside with him. He much rather likes being inside with everyone. So when we are gone, we still leave him inside because he has gone through two screen doors out back. I mean he will literally take the screen door DOWN! So I talked to hubby about it that day and I was so worried that he was going to get mad at me, if for some reason, it didn't work out. He told me that my mental health was FAR more important than a pet. Gotta love this man!!!! So now we're just taking it day by day with doggie and we'll see. If he continues to claw at the door (hey, we DO eventually need a new door anyway, the guy who put it up before we bought this house shaved too much off the door and there are some "heat escaping, a/c escaping" gaps between the door and the jam), we'll put him outside and if he can't handle being outside without ruining doors, he'll have to be put on a chain while we're gone. I really don't want to do that, and that will be the last resort. So I do hope that he gets better about being inside. If there's a reason that I would have to be gone ALL day, obviously I'd have to put him outside.

Also, hubby left ::::sniff, sniff::::::::::::.

He'll be gone a month. (He's in the Navy) We are definitely missing him already! But I'm taking it one day at a time, because if I really think about how long he'll be gone, I think I will have a big anxiety attack. My preschooler had a hard time with it yesterday. She cried when I left her at preschool, cried just before I picked her up and was VERY antsy about going to bed last night. She can be a very emotional child. (Hmmmmmmm.......wonder where she gets THAT from???) So I'm just plugging along every day, doing the norm....

I was very productive yesterday, paid bills, balanced checkbook, went to Costco, etc.

It's the start of a busy weekend! My eldest has a soccer game today and then we have errands to run and I have to sweep and vaccuum this house before the dog hair takes it over! Oh, and I need a new vaccuum bad. I don't think mine can take it much longer. Poor vaccuum, it's been so good to me too........

So as you can tell by my post, I am doing MUCH better! Have settled into my meds just fine now, I'm sleeping better (part in thanks to some Benadryl), and I seem to "feel" ME most of the time again too.

Which is a good thing. I missed me.

Love Thursday

Here is a picture of a man who time and time again makes me realize what a truly lucky woman I am.....

On The Mend....

Sigh.....

What an exhausting time these last 3 weeks have been.

Panic Attacks every day.....

Trying different meds here and there.......

Not fun.......

At least now I'm back on what I was on before the Panic/Anxiety Attacks happened. Back on the Buspar.

Just a higher dose.....

Psychiatrist says to stick with what my body has tolerated in the past......

Now just need to see a psychiatrist to monitor meds and a psychologist to monitor my psyche!

Actually I have seen a psychologist. Saw him on Thursday.

What an AMAZING amount of questions he asked. Some were so personal!! But, you know what? I'll answer them if they are going to help me get better and get over this.

A couple of people have asked if maybe this is a delayed reaction to my mom's death. I think it quite possibly could be.

Psychologist wants to make sure I don't lean towards agoraphobia more than I started to. He wants me to push through it, if I have a panic attack, don't freeze up. Go places. Push through it.

I got my first dose of that on Thursday after I saw him.

Had to pick up my daughter from school.

Hadn't picked her up in over a week when I think I had had a panic attack picking her up one day.

I literally cried on the phone to my friend and my boss driving around to make it to her school. How crazy is that? Those internal fears can just literally stop you in your tracks. Make you scared of something that is something you normally do every day! Scary shit, I tell you!

But I did it! I pushed through. I remembered things my doctor told me. It helped. Boy did it help.

I was given Ambien to help me sleep, but on Friday night when I was going to take it, I got so afraid that I was going to be so groggy the next day (drowsy medications seem to have a much deeper effect on me) that I decided not to take it. I don't want to be dependent on something to help me sleep. Another thing I need to push through.

I talked to my aunt yesterday and she was telling me how strong she always thought I was. Well, yea, when I have to be the strong one, I usually am. But maybe it was being too strong too much that made me not be able to. Maybe because my mom always was there for me that helped me to be strong. I don't know. I just started therapy, so I don't have all the answers and I don't want to analyze it too much right now.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

That's what I need to focus on.

Keep moving.

Keep doing what I've normally done.

Don't sit and think and analyze my psyche. That's what the psychologist is there for. He can do it for me. He can tell me what's wrong. He can help me to fix it.

I've got my friends and family that I can talk to and lean on for support. It's my turn to get the support. And that's what I'm going to do.

Update on New Meds

Well, shortly after posting the previous post, I got incredibly drowsy. So drowsy in fact that I was on the couch most of the day! The only time I wasn't on the couch was when a friend of mine took me to the ER, because the nurse's line suggested that I go, because she was worried that I was too drowsy.

So the doctors think it could be a combination of the Valium (hello, I took 1.25 mg, I'm such a wuss!) and the Paxil. So they told me to cut the Paxil in 1/2 and take 2.5 mg of that at night and 2.5 mg in the morning, and NO Valium.

I sure hope this works! I'm getting sick of either being too doped up or having too much anxiety! Not a good thing for my family or my household!

It's now been 12 hours since I took the last Paxil and I'm STILL feeling dopey and drugged! Good god man, I sure can't tolerate this shit!

New Meds

Went back to the doctor yesterday to talk about getting on new medication for the anxiety attacks. I was having them every day for the past few days and I didn't think the Buspar was working all that well. I had talked to a friend of mine who suggested I get on Paxil, but the time-released pill. She said it did wonders for her.

So off I went to the doctor to talk to her about it. As luck would have it (which is a weird thing to say), I was right in the middle of an anxiety attack. I was able to describe to her EVERYTHING that was happening to me at that moment. It's weird to say, because even though I didn't WANT to be having an anxiety attack, because it was happening, I was able to more accurately describe my symptoms. Sometimes when you've had something happen to you, it's not always easy to remember EVERYTHING, you know?

So she put me on Paxil. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't carry the time-released version (which is weird, because you think they would, you know?). So she put me on the lowest dose and had me cut THAT in 1/2 and take 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night. THEN!, she gave me some Valium too! She gave me the lowest dosage there (5 mg, I think) and had me cut that into QUARTERS! Plus she only wanted me to take that at night to help me get a good night's sleep for the first few days until the Paxil really kicks in.

I took the Paxil last night and I swear, I could feel it working within an hour. Now, maybe it was just my subconcious, like a placebo effect, doing it. Hey man, whateve works, I tell you. The Valium definitely made me groggy once I took it, but it didn't let me sleep all night long peacefully. Partly, in part, because my husband was home and he tends to toss and turn the first night he's back, and the fact that he had to get up early this morning to take my daughter to his ship for a "Friends and Family Day" cruise that's happening today. But the sleep I DID get was good, and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was constantly thinking and worrying about things. I started to do that this morning though, but it was almost time for the next dose of Paxil. Not sure how it's affecting me today. Not sure if I'm feeling a tiny bit drowsy, or if it's just because I'm a little tired from not getting a good night's sleep. I think it might be the Paxil though.

I have such a low tolerance for medication that can "make you drowsy". If it says it might, it usually does for me. Hopefully my body will work better with it the longer I take it, because it's not functionable for me to be drowsy during the day. Not when I have to take care of two kids and work and take care of the house, you know?

Friends, Old Boyfriends, Escrow & Sanity

A few friends of mine were talking to each other today, and we got on the subject of old boyfriends. (How, I can't even tell you because we'll be talking about something, and then sort of change the subject, but not really and then somehow we end up on something TOTALLY different!)

We have been friends since high school and so I will tell you that just about EVERYTHING gets talked about at one point or another during our conversations. It's amazing some of the topics that come up, everything from decorating tips to premature ejaculation (oh, not any of our men NOW, previous guy, thank goodness for that person now! LOL!!)

They all have had guys from their past come back to them, either wanting to reconnect, just say hi or "stalk". Damn, I felt left out of that conversation, because that's NEVER happened to me! I mean, I guess I should be happy about that, I don't ever have any "blast from the past" coming back into my life when I don't want it, but then geez, was I THAT unimportant to all of them? Was I not that appealing? Did I scare the hell out of them? Hmmmmmm.......kind of makes me wonder.....

Of course hubby is sure mighty happy that that never HAS happened with me, because then he'd have to beat someone up, just because they were associated with me before him. Yes, yes, he does know I had a life before him, but to him, it just doesn't exist anymore. At least when it comes to the male population.

Escrow.............Escrow closed on my mom's house today. It's official. After 56 years of that house being in our family, it's now no longer a part of our life. I am hoping that when I go up there to visit family, that the new owners will let me see what they've done with the place.

Sanity............I think I am finally getting "ME" back. Today was a really good day. Switched meds last night and so I slept better, woke up NOT feeling stoned, was able to exercise, I'm coming back! Had to deal with a little anxiety today at one point, but I did really good with it. I'm even really thinking about going up to San Francisco next month to meet hubby in port! Now, if you know me, that's something I don't do. My excuse is always "We can't afford it", "We need to watch our money" "The girls are in school", etc.........

Well, since we closed escrow on the house and we will have the money for us to go up and meet him, I want to do it. I KNOW my mom would say, "GO! Go enjoy yourself! You deserve it!" So that's what I want to do.

Losing it.....

Sigh.......

What a week this has been for me!!

Yea, you know how in my last post I had such a nice relaxing day? Well, it all went downhill from there.

Shortly after dinner on that night I was invaded by ants on my kitchen counter. Let me just say that me and ants? Nu-uh. We don't mesh well. I kill ants. I admit it. I'm an ant killer.

So after about an hour of getting rid of them, finding out where they came from, caulking up the area so they couldn't get out, (Have caulk gun, will travel) sending a curse-filled email to my husband (who called me afterwards because he couldn't even think of anything to write back), I was okay. Or at least I thought I was......

Come Tuesday evening......

I'm just sitting on the couch, after dinner, thought I was taking it easy, but then I started having an uneasy feeling. I thought I was getting heartburn, so I took 2 Rolaids to help. Well, it didn't help. Took my blood pressure, it was up. Not good. Heartrate was up as well. Called the after hours help line. Talked to a doctor. Doctor thought I should go to the ER to get it checked out JUST TO MAKE SURE.....

Well, hubby had had NO sleep in the past 36 hours so I really felt he needed to get some sleep (he was already asleep by the time I had this and needed to go to the ER). So I called my friend to come and get me and the girls.

So we trekked down the ER all together, all the time I'm freaking out inside because I think I'm having a fucking heart attack, or something related to my heart. I have a family history on my father's side of heart disease.

Get down to the ER. Well, it was PACKED!! BUT.....when you tell a doctor or a nurse that you are having chest discomfort, you basically are shot to the front of the line. So in I went and got hooked up to monitors to do an EKG. The damn thing takes longer to set up than actually run the test! Did the EKG...................NO HEART ATTACK! Oh my goodness, thank the lord for that!!!!

Still.........

So I had to go back into the waiting room, back to the end of the line......

Okay, I was not having my friend wait around for me, while she had my girls. I asked her if she could take them to her house so they could all get some sleep. She agreed. What a friend, I tell you!! She's awesome. Actually all my friends are awesome, because I know they'd all do that for me. Do I know how to pick them or what?

So, got to wait around for about 2 hours or so (got to watch some TV inbetween dozing off in the chair) until they called me in. Got me in a bed, took blood and vitals and hooked me up to a machine to monitor me. Asked me lots of questions, and then basically left me alone for an hour or so. At that point I did doze off for a while. When they came back, they said that everything with my heart looked really good, so they seriously doubted it had anything to do with my heart. They basically think I just had really bad heartburn that was caused partly by anxiety and stress.

Anxiety and stress.......

Well, there you go. That I've had a lot of lately. And here I thought I was doing well this past week with hubby gone. Apparently not!

So it got me thinking......I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom's not around anymore. I don't have her to call when he's out to sea. I KNOW I'm freaking out about what could go wrong with the house while he's gone. Stress............anxiety..........and all that shit that goes with it.............

So they discharge me with some heartburn medication and then the doctor asks me if I'd like some Xanax. Um, okay.....that could probably help.......I was taking Buspar, but I guess that's not working anymore! (I stress about things, I worry a lot, I suffer from anxiety, I freely admit it)

Hubby comes to get me at the ER around 3:00 a.m. or so and we go home. Set the alarm to wake up at 6:30 so I can get my girls from my friend and get them off to school. Oh, and then my youngest starts crying at preschool because she doesn't want me to leave. I just want to go back home and sleep. I'm exhausted by this point. The teachers finally have to pry her away from me so I can leave (just about broke my heart though!) I called the school later though and they said she quit crying VERY shortly after that. Thank goodness!

Had hubby go get the youngest at preschool so I could sleep some more. Then I had my friend bring my eldest home from school so I could still relax some more.

Wednesday night.......took my first Xanax......

Thursday morning.............was a TOTAL ZOMBIE when I woke up! I could barely function!!! I was supposed to take my eldest and her friend to school, but there was no way I could drive! So my friend got them both and took them. I laid on the couch, gave my youngest a variety of foods to eat so I could doze off and it wasn't until about 11 a.m. or so that it started wearing off. Ummm.....okay, not taking THAT again! Or at least that much! Talked to the nurses line and they told me I could take a 1/2 dose. Okay, I'll do that, AT NIGHT! The doc originally had prescribed it for THREE TIMES A DAY! Um, okay, yea, can't do that and function with two children! Maybe if I were single, had no job and could stay in my house all day I could do that, but I don't think so......

Thursday night......took a 1/2 pill.....

Friday morning......woke up feeling stoned! Okay, apparently 1/2 pill isn't working that well either! But at least I was able to function for the most part.

Emailed with a friend of mine who told me to take the pill earlier in the evening and then by morning the effects should wear off.

Friday night......took the 1/2 pill again, but earlier.....went to bed around 9:30, woke up around 8:00 a.m. this morning....

Did not feel stoned. YEA! But still felt a tiny woozy. Okay, that does it, I'm cutting the pill in 1/2 again.......I see the doctor on Monday, so I should be good until then. Then I'm having doc give me something else. NOT Xanax. I do want to stop taking it, because I don't like the effects, but I know that I still have the uneasy feeling all week, partly from the anxiety attack, and worrying that it's going to happen again, and I need something to help me ease that feeling.

Plus the fact that when I was in the ER, they took a portable chest x-ray and then called me on Wednesday to tell me that when the radiologist looked at it, he thought he saw what MAY be a spot. A spot?! SHIT! So I went in on Thursday, got a two view chest x-ray done. I asked, "When will I get the results?" They tell me, "Well, you need to make a follow-up with your doctor." Shit.......

So that's mainly where the Monday doctor visit comes in. To get the results.

I ask the technician, "But what if there's something really wrong with it? Will they let me know before that?"

They tell me, "Oh, if there's something wrong, they'll contact your doctor, who in turn, will call you." Great. More waiting.

But the nurse did tell me that I shouldn't worry. My first x-ray was on a PORTABLE one, AND I was laying down. They couldn't get a good full view of my chest (which is semi-large), and who knows what was on or under that bed. Did make me feel better.....

But it's now Saturday morning, so it's been almost 48 hours since I got that chest x-ray and I have heard NOTHING. I'm taking that as a REALLY good sign. Plus given the fact that all my blood work came back great, not hinting of anything, I'm taking that as a good sign. I have to. If I keep worrying about it, I'm going to lose it again, and have to be placed on the Xanax 3 times a day to keep me in a zombie state so I don't think about it.

But yesterday was a really good day, in the afternoon. I took my eldest shopping for her birthday, and I felt better than I had in the previous days. So I think I'm coming to the end of the tunnel for now.

Busy day today though.....my eldest has a soccer game, then she's having two friends to spend the night over and we're going bowling. So I'll be busy, but not stressful. And that's a good thing.......

A Mostly Labor "Free" Day

Today was a pretty nice day today! For the most part, it was actually relaxing for me, which is something I felt I really haven't had in quite a while.

Last week was the first week of school, so major hectic going on there. Plus it was the first week that hubby went out to sea (he's home now for a week or so), so I was on my own, and it was the first week he was out to sea, that I didn't have my mom to call and take care of me (even if it was just hearing her voice, and having her listen to me ramble). Let's just say last week wasn't the best for me.

Today was nice. Actually, last night was nice too. I went over to my friend, Lynda's house where we gathered to have a going away party for our friend, Nancy, who is moving across country. :( We all used to get together and scrapbook a lot, and now it's not so much, but when we do get together we have a blast. It's my "getaway time", where I don't have to be a mom, I can cuss all I want and not have worry if my children heard me, it's just being with friends. Because let me tell you, everyone needs to have time away from their children. To not to have to take care of someone all the time, to rejuvenate, to preserve your sanity. Even when I get to be alone with hubby, that helps too, but we don't get to do that as often, but we need to make more time for it. We were going to have our "date" next month when we went to my reunion, but he'll be out to sea for that, so we can't have that. :( Having two kids, on a tight budget and not being able to go out just the two of us can suck. ::::::::::::::stupid gas prices and everything else raising their prices::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So anyway, back to today. Took the girls shopping with me in the morning, and for the most part they were pretty good. Then we went to Lynda's house to go swimming. LOVE, LOVE your pool Lynda!! That was SO nice and relaxing! Being out in the hot sun, but being in a pool to cool you off and to relax. That is what I needed. That is what I would LOVE to have here at our house! A pool. Damn, wouldn't that be nice? Well, maybe someday.

So I'm back at home, back to the grind, making dinner, then it's back to the old routine. Get the girls bathed, get lunches ready for tomorrow, get them to bed, maybe have an hour to myself, and then off to bed for me. And tomorrow, back to the reality of life............

A Slave To Fashion

......whatever fashion that may be.

My preteen came to me tonight and said, "How come everytime I think I've got the "hip" style, and then I go back to school, and everyone's wearing something different?"

Sigh.....................

Not that I'm sighing because of "oh geez, come on now", but it's because I've been there. Oh so many times!

SOOOO many fashion trends happened when I was growing up. The dittos in every color, the designer jeans, the 501 levis with the polo shirts. The bermuda shorts (which apparently are back in fashion?), the "flashdance look" (which my mom liked, because it was CHEAP!, The GUESS look, etc.

Thank goodness I never wore the "leggings under the mini skirt", although my sisters did. And apparently THAT'S back in fashion too! Come on people, can you NOT find anything NEW? Oh, and the skulls on things too! SOOOOO Melrose Avenue back in the 80's! My preteen wants to get a pair of slip-on Vans with those in pink. OH......MY..........GOD.......... Slip on Vans???!!!! That was SOOOOOO Fast Times At Ridgement High!! So now I need to go talk to her principal and see if the "skulls" are allowed at school (you never know nowadays, with the rules the schools have.

My preteen said she wishes she could find a "fashon trend" that everyone else would like and catch on to, as well. Yes, I know that feeling..........

I remember it all too well. I was lucky if I had one "COOL" outfit. (I did actually have more, a few, but certainly not as many as all my friends had) My mom was a single parent. She worked to support THREE girls. There wasn't much left over. When Christmas and birthdays came, she would let the family know what "type" of clothes I wanted. One year when the "designer jeans" phase was in, everyone got me one pair of jeans, so I would be able to have some like the rest of the crowd. That was awesome that they did that for me. Yea, of course the following year THAT phase was gone!

Okay my preteen ISN'T EVEN A TEENAGER YET and she's already going through this!! What, will my preschooler start doing this when she gets into 1st grade or something??? Shit!

I did tell my preteen though, before school started, that she shouldn't worry about getting too many clothes before school, because you never know what the "fashion trend" is going to be. And, apparently, I was right. Well, I knew about the leggings and skirt thing, but I had no idea about the bermuda shorts and slip on Vans! (Although I did see my 18 year old cousin wearing them, so I probably should have paid more attention to that)

The thing is, is that I'm not upset with my child about wanting the latest trends because I went through the same thing. I know what she's going through. But I did tell her that she needs to be comfortable in the style she's wearing too. She can't just wear something JUST because it's in style. If she doesn't like the way it looks (or I like the way it looks, more importantly), she shouldn't wear it.

Then she also asked me why can't we just go out and buy clothes wheneve we feel like it, like some of the other girls at school? Sigh......... Yes, it happened.......now have to deal with the "sorry honey, we just don't make THAT much money." If we go to a semi-expensive store (okay, because sorry honey, not shopping at Macy's, Nordstrom, or the like unless they're having an AWESOME clearance sale), it's the clearance racks. Or it's got to be on sale. What I would love to do though is go to L.A. and find some really cool hip clothing that no one else has worn yet, so Cheyenne could wear it. Maybe I should talk to some of my friends up there or my sister too, and see what they would pick out.

So anyone out there still have their 80's fashions they want to donate to my preteen in the meantime? I got rid of all my chunky beady necklaces and my gazillion bracelets. (Yes, I wore them all on one wrist like Madonna did in her early days. I could knock someone out if I hit them with that hand!) I do have a couple of pins though!

PRE.....

3 females in a house? Yea, you're bound to have a bevy of emotions going on. Especially when you've got a mom, who's husband is out to sea right now and doing this all alone, a pre-teen girl who can freak out if you even talk in a different tone of voice, and a preschooler who, let's face it, can be a tad spoiled sometimes, and I think already suffers from PMS.

This morning started out O...Kay......

I had to wake up the preteen. Oh yea, that's a feat in itself! She HAS an alarm clock! But the girl can sometimes just sleep right through it! Either that or she's just waits for it to stop beeping and goes back to sleep (I really think she inherited this from her daddy). So, if I'm in a decent mood, I'll do annoying little things to get her out of bed. For example.....this morning I just kept poking at her shoulder until she moved. Then I started talking about how she probably has to go to the bathroom REEEEEAAAAALLLL bad, and then would start tickling her stomach. Other times I'll pretend she's a puppet and make her mouth move and I would be her "ventriliquist" and make her say things. Other times I would try and wake her up with a sweet voice, give her butterfly kisses etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, and I get impatient I pull the covers off her and drag her butt out of bed by her feet. A combination of just about everything happened this morning. She was having some "issues" with her hair being "just right", but at least it was minor (THANK THE LORD!)

The preschooler? I think it was a PMS day today. There are times when she'll just yell and scream about something, and you know what? It can literally be exhausting to me! It just drains the life out of me. Do I cave in? Sadly yes, sometimes I do. I just don't want to hear it! And I think she knows it. But I did REAL good this afternoon in the car. She wasn't listening to me, and I told her she was getting a time out when we got home. She kept on about "Noooooooo, Mommmy, I don't waaaaaaaaaant tooooooooooo" I stuck to my guns and when we got home, in her room she went. Of course now she's been in there for over a 1/2 hour. Her timeout is finished, but she's enjoying herself and being quiet in there, and sometimes really, that's what she needs.

Oh! And speaking of the preschooler today, we were at my work and she went and had her daily conversation with my boss. Guess what she talked out? Her day at preschool yesterday! I BARELY got anything out of her when I asked her yesterday, but today she just waltzes in to his office and divulged a bevy of information! I found out more from him that I did her! Geez!

And me, the premenopausal mom (I wonder if it may be coming in the next few years), I'm in a pissy mood because I think I'm going to probably be having to deal with a mom at the preteen's school that I am sick of dealing with (nothing like worrying about what's going to happen next, eh?). That and the preschooler who is emotional today, Oh, and the preteen too.......

So, back to this car ride home......the preschooler was in a tizzy, the preteen was trying to be bossy to the preschooler, and this PREmenopausal mom was saying to herself, "WHEN is he coming home????? You mean I have to deal with this for SIX months next year without him?" Damn, I'm going to have people on speed dial next year and probably offer to clean their houses if they'll take the kids for a while! (Actually, no, I probably wouldn't do that, because I hate cleaning, but I'll wash their cat for them!)

All I can say, is God help my husband when the 3 of us end up having our periods together! (Although hopefully when the preschooler gets old enough, I'll have gone through menopause, and not be IN it)

I am home ALONE!

Wow, I am home, here in my house, alone! (Well, the cat, the hamster and fish are here too).

Today is the first day of school for BOTH my girls!

Took the eldest to school, went to the classroom and the teacher wasn't letting any of the parents in (which is fine, my god, they're in sixth grade now, for goodness sake), but my little on sneaked inbetween the teacher and the door to say goodbye to her sister, so I had to go in to get her back.

Then it was off to my youngest's school. She's in preschool. Once she got there, all she cared about was going to play out back and play with the basketball. Oh, and she had to go potty too. Didn't cling onto me at all. None whatsoever. Barely gave me a look goodbye. I had to call her over so she would give me a kiss goodbye. Well, I guess that's a good thing though, right?

So now I am here at home. I don't have to leave this house for a couple of hours. So I should be cleaning my house up. What am I doing? Sitting here on the computer. Will I clean? Hmmmmmmm..............................maybe................I probably should.........................it's not good to procrastinate you know..................................we'll see...................................................

Summer Vacation is Winding Down......

.......and then things will be going full speed next week!

Both my girls start school next week. Yes, both of them. One will be in sixth grade, and my little one will be starting preschool, going 3 days a week. I'm so excited, yet, I know I'm going to be busy too!

My little one will still come to work with me about 1 1/2 days during the week, but that's now about 1/2 of what she used to do. Don't get me wrong, I actually DO love having her come to work with me. She has since day one. My boss bought me one of those Happy Camper bed things, so I could have a crib in my office for her. He had originally made the suggestion back when I was pregnant with my first child, but we were leaving the state not too long after she was born, so I had to quit then. But thankfully, I was able to come back to work for him once we came back here. So when I got pregnant with my little one, I told him I was taking him up on his offer he made those years back. She has been affectionately called the "Office Mascot" (I even got a gag gift at the last Christmas party, called "Jordan Spice"). I have a gate in my doorway so she can't just wander around the office, she has to stay in mine. But she loves my boss. Whenever she gets the chance, she'll go in his office and pull up a chair and sit next to him and tell him about her day. I think it's so wonderful and lucky for me that I have a boss like that.

So anyway, I will have one morning to myself, which is something I'll desperately need. My husband is in the Navy and will be shipping out soon. He'll be doing short little trips for now, but next year is the six monther. Sigh........ I really, really don't like them at all. I miss him. The girls will miss him. BUT, it's something we deal with. We just do. I married a Navy man. I married a Navy CAREER man. It's something that's been a part of my life for over 14 years now. And that day when we see him come off the ship and run and hug is SUCH a wonderful day!! Here's a picture of my oldest hugging him when he came off the ship a few years ago....

It just brought tears to my eyes when she ran up to him!!

I'll be mostly a single parent for a while now. So you can see why I'd be excited! While I love my children dearly, having them in school DEFINITELY helps me!

Then we'll also have soccer practice, games on Saturdays, school functions, etc........

Okay, maybe Summer Vacation isn't so bad.......

I have this friend who homeschools her 5 children. Yes, you heard me right, FIVE children. Her husband USED to be in the Navy and so there were times she had to do it alone too, with FIVE children. She has amazing strength, faith and endurance to do that by herself. Oh, I know she has a circle of friends and family too, but still she did the single parent thing for quite a while by herself. She's definitely someone I admire who can do that, and still be sane!

So I guess it's time to dust off that "Ubermom" hat and start wearing it again, and get back in the groove..........

Well, at least not for a couple more days............

The Age of 18-ism

First let me start off by saying that I have a very unique relationship with my sister and my cousin. My sister is exactly 10 years younger than me, and my cousin is exactly 20 years younger than me. There's something about that "exactly 10 years apart" between the 3 of us, that makes it a special relationship between the 3 of us (at least for me, that is...)

I look at my sister and the things she goes through, or does, and it so reminds me of when I was THAT age. There are so many things she has done that I've done too, when I was her age. Oh god, don't you just hate saying that, "When I was your age". It sounds so old. Can't se come up with another phrase for that? I'm feeling like I need to get my walker out, or go buy one! Geez, I'm ONLY 38!

So anyway, my cousin is, yes, you guessed it, 18. The era of FINALLY becoming an adult. The age of "Yes, I'm an adult, so I can do whatever I want" "I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do". Does it stop at 18? Hell no, we have this "I know everything and you are stupid" attitude towards our parents until we are in our mid-20's. It's something we all go through. Whether we admit it or not, voice it to others or not, it happens. And of course we DEFINITELY won't admit it while we're going through it because, hell, that would mean that we DON'T know what we're doing, and that's just not true. Even if we DO know that we don't always know what we're doing, we don't want to admit it. We just want our parents to fix things when we tell them to. We would have to admit that we DO need our moms. We'd have to admit that "Damn, we were acting like a bitch to our moms" Now, maybe some girls don't go through this as severe, which, god I hope so, because I'm NOT looking forward to it when my girls get to be that age.

And really, you DON'T realize what you're doing, and how you're treating them at that age. Because it's just something that happens. It's so normal (at least in my case, and that's all I'm saying...). Just because you've gone through puberty doesn't mean that the hormones aren't still raging out of control. Plus there's that gray area in which your mom still wants you to be that little girl, but wants you to be grown up as well. It's a hard adjustment for all.

I look back now, I and I think, damn, I was so mean to my mom in some of the things I said. (Not that I EVER cussed her out or anything like that, just had this attitude that was like, "Mom, I'm an adult now, I can handle it myself. I'm in this world of things that you aren't and you couldn't possibly know what I'm going through, or understand it)

Of course it wasn't always like that. There were times that I would have really cool conversations with my mom. There was this one time......

My mom and I were sitting in the living room, having a beer and talking one time Yes, I was 18. I actually had a mom who would let me drink with her. No, we weren't white trash, she just remembered when she was that age, and didn't want to be a hypocrite. It was nice, it was civil. She had some things she wanted to tell me, now that I was 18. She told me that twice, before I was conceived, when she was in her early 20's, she had gotten pregnant and her parents had forced her to give the baby up for adoption. She was 22 and 24, I think. This was back in the early 60's. She wasn't part of the hippie movement though. That was SUCH a shock! She said she wanted me to know, in case they ever came to the door looking for her, their "birth mom". She wanted to let me know that she had done drugs in the past. She had even done Angel Dust once. HELLOOO??!!!! Okay, total shocker, never knew my mom did THAT?! She didn't seem the type. See that's the things with us moms. We DID do things in the past. Doesn't mean we do it now, but sometimes even moms screw up, and good ones at that. Then she told me that if I ever wanted to do drugs, to ask my Uncle, and he'd do them with me. Ummmmm.....okay, yea, like THAT was going to happen. "Ummmm, Uncle? I'd like to try some heroin, would you do it with me?" Not that I ever TRIED heroin, NO WAY. Uh-uh. Not going to happen, didn't happen, never going to happen.

Then she started asking me questions.

Was I a virgin?

No mom, I'm not.

Was it with so and so?

No mom, it wasn't.

Have you ever tried drugs?

Yes mom, I tried a couple, but I didn't care for them, and one has such a weird effect on me, that I don't want to do them again. (It WAS an open and honest relationship, but that didn't mean I was going to give out ALL the details, I was 18, after all.....)

Okay, you get the gist of the conversation, now, don't you? When I look back on it now though, it was such an awesome conversation. So open and honest. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll (okay so we didn't talk about rock 'n roll, but it sounds good, doesn't it?). Did I stop my "attitude" with her? Yea, no. Didn't happen. Not for a few years. But I WISH I knew what I was doing. I WISH I realized what I was doing and could have stopped it. We moms don't deserve that, but we do put up with it, because we remember. We remember what WE did, and we remember that we DO get out of that phase. I remember when my sister was that way to our mom. There were times I wanted to smack her upside the head and tell her to stop it. But I didn't. I remember that I did it. And my mom did too. She mostly just rolled her eyes at the whole thing, and didn't take it to heart. She knew. She knew it was just a phase. She knew she had raised us well. And it was a phase. My sister did get over it.

Now, the cycle is starting again. My cousin. She's 18. But maybe, just maybe, if she knew that her mom does understand, or knew that we "elders" do get it, it might help? That if she's going through something she doesn't quite understand, that some one else, someone in her family does? I can hope.......

18 is SUCH an awesome age, but it's also such a a turmoil age too. Would I want to be 18 again? Uh, yea, no thank you. With age comes wisdom. I don't want to think I know everything, when there is so much that's going to happen. Give me a break. I'm 38. I KNOW everything now! (Yea, that's what I keep telling myself, just keep saying that, maybe it'll be true when I'm 88).......................

Music and Memories

Back to the subject of music and memories......

The other day when I was working out I started thinking about this and about how certain songs bring back such strong feelings, emotions and memories. Yes, the first memory that I had music attached to was Saturday in the Park by Chicago.

But now to more recent ones.....

I was waching VH1's 100 top Teen Stars and Shaun Cassidy came. Man.....I so remember listening to him in 4th grade, and having my cassette player and my case of cassette tapes with me, and listening to him and wanting all his tapes.

Junior High....by FAR the most powerful song I have from that time is Christopher Cross' Sailing. That ALWAYS brings me back to the junior high dances at our school, and me ALWAYS wanting to dance with a boy. But sadly, no boy asked me. ::::::::going back in time:::::::::: I was in 9th grade and it was the last dance of the school year. I had ALWAYS wanted to dance with this boy Mouse (his real name is Mike, Mouse was a nickname), but he never asked me. So I grew some balls, sucked in my breath and headed over to where he was to ask him to dance. Was he going to say no? God, I hope not!! I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to dance. Guess what? He said YES! Oh my god, my heart was beating a mile a minute! I couldn't believe he actually said yes!!! It was the best 4 minutes and 18 seconds of my life (at least in junior high)! After the song was over I thanked him (seeing as he was pulling away after the song was done) and floated back over to my friends. In high school and beyond we would run into each other, and I would definitely consider him a friend. He was always nice to me. I wonder if he ever knew how much of a crush I had on him in junior high? So yes, to this day, when I hear that song, I revert back to that gym in junior high.

High School................damn......WAY too many songs to have one in particular. When I hear Love Cats by The Cure, it makes me think of Stacie when she was going out with this one guy, Tony, I think. When I hear How Soon Is Now by The Smiths, it reminds me of when us girls went to the beach and were listening to that song. When I hear True by Spandau Ballet, it just reminds me of being in 10th grade. Cruel Summer by Bananarama reminds me of the summer of 11th grade. Depeche Mode just reminds me of ALL of high school, especially getting to see them at Irvine Meadows, sitting 2nd row CENTER baby! Madonna's early songs remind me of 10th grade too. SOOOO many good songs in high school!!!

After high school......Here I Go Again by Whitesnake totally reminds me of when Stacie and I went driving around one night.

Married life.......two songs stick out the most for me and my husband. First one....I Love You Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel is our song. One time when it was on, my husband pulled me into the living room where we danced to it. 2nd song....Innagodadavida by Iron Butterfly. Well, let's just say that's a "private song", if you get my drift.

Music has always been such a part of my life, because so many emotions are attached to it (I won't bore you with all the "heartbreak" songs from when a guy dumped me, that's just too damn depressing) Breakstuff by Limp Bizkit is SUCH a great song to listen to when I'm pissed off. Disco music totally makes me feel happy. I like some country music. Love hard rock too, mellow music, pop music and so much more. I can't wait to see what other songs will come in my life to have memories attached to them.

A Letter to My Younger Self

Ahhhhh, had a nice workout today, Oprah was on at the gym, yippee!!!

The topic on Oprah today was about mothers and daughters and how daughters mimic, or feed off their mothers, and what they say, causing them to have low self-esteem. There was this one girl, who was absolutly gorgeous, but thought she was hideous. She got this from feeding off what her mother did to her ownself in the mirror. Her mother look in the mirror and think she was always too fat, or not pretty enough, which caused the daughter to do the same to herself in the mirror.

It's amazing what children "learn" from their mothers.

It took me over 10 years to lose the "baby fat" I accumulated, and then some, from my 2 children. It took a high cholesterol reading to finally jumpstart me, along with the death of my own mother, just months before.

I think back to how my mom was when I was growing up. I really don't ever remember her looking at herself in the mirror and thinking she wasn't pretty enough or anything like that. My mom rarely, ever, wore makeup. She never dyed her hair, used face cream or anything like that. Of course she also was a single mom, raising 3 girls on her own, so I wonder if she even thought much about doing that.

I truly hope that I am setting a good example for my daughters. I told them that they always need to play a sport. I have two reasons for that, keeping them active, and hopefully that will keep them from having too much "idle time" where they may hang out with people who'd rather do drugs or drink. Now, mind you, I was one of those people, and a lot of my friends were like that too. Not that we ALWAYS did drugs or drink (in fact I rarely touched any drugs, just didn't like what they did to me, but drinking, ahhh, that's another matter entirely). We partied, we went out dancing (HEY, that IS a form of exercising, you know.....), but that's not all we did either. We were concerned with our looks, we were concerned with the "trendy" clothes, we got good grades. We did have a lot of fun. But I don't want my daughters being like that. I'd like them to enjoy playing sports (I did play on the Varsity Volleyball team in my senior year), get good grades, have aspirations, etc.

I want them to be happy with themselves. Not to feel insecure (which, let's face it, all girls do at some point or another) too much. To take care of themselves, feel confident.

My eldest is turning 11 next month and she already wants to wear makeup. She got her hair cut today and it looks totally cute on her. She is definitely worrying about her looks already. I try and think back to when I was her age, so I can try and relate and not be so "oh gosh, those were the OLDEN days". I do let her wear eyeshadow, but if it's caked on too much, she has to wipe some of it off. I try and tell her that, "Hey, I've had over 25 years experience with this stuff, I think I MIGHT know what I'm doing" Not that I'm a makeup expert, by any means, but I know what looks overdone, you know?

Then on Oprah, two celebrities, were asked to write letters to their "younger selves" as to what they could do differently.

So I started thinking about that. What would I write to "younger self" and tell her to do differently?

I think for starters, I would tell myself to stand up straight. Be proud of my boobs. Now, I'm not saying to flaunt them, but to have a good posture. From the time I was in 4th grade and "poking out", a boy teased me about them, and I started slouching. It became a habit quickly and even my grandma could not get me to stop doing it. It wasn't until I was working at Contempo Casuals (remember that store?), and this girl working there, Tatiana, kept poking me in the back, telling me to stand up straight, be proud of myself.

I would tell myself to be happy with myself and my body. Looking back at pictures, I realize, "Damn, I was thin then!". My friend, Susan, would always tell me that I shouldn't wear the baggy pants. I should wear the more flattering clothes. She was right, I shouldn't have worn them. I look at pictures of me with them, and then wearing a mini skirt and yea, you noticed the difference. Most of my friends were all shorter than me, and smaller boned, so of course I felt "bigger".

I would tell myself not to be so insecure with my looks. I always felt I was second fiddle to my friends. I thought they were all better looking than me. (Oh I still think they are all stunning looking to this day, but at least I'm happier with myself). It wasn't until I met my husband, who thought I was the "prettiest", that it really made me be happy with myself. I always thought that they liked me because of the "boobs factor" (Yes, hubby is a boob man, in case you were wondering)

I would tell myself so many other things too. But then again, when I think about it, if I wasn't those things, and been that way, I wouldn't end up with what I have today. And I truly love what I have today.

So, question to you all, what would YOU tell your younger self? What advice would you give to her (or him)?

A Legacy of A House

My two sisters, myself, my aunt and my uncle are in the process of selling a house that has been in our family for over 56 years. Yes, 56 years.


Back in 1950, my grandma and grandpa John bought this house:



They moved from South Dakota to California in 1942 with their son (I actually have a letter that my grandma wrote to my grandpa John when he was on his way out here looking for work), and settled into an apartment in Hollywood.

In 1943, my mom was born.

Finally, they were able to have the American Dream and buy their own house in 1950, for $40,000, if I remember right. A 3 bedroom, 1 bath house. (Actually, one of the bedrooms had a door to the other bedroom, which was kind of neat). My mom told me that she was so happy she didn't have to share a room with her brother anymore.

Life was good for a while, but in 1956, my grandpa John died from cancer. As tragic as it was, they had had the good sense enough to have mortgage insurance, and the house was paid off and my grandma, now alone with two kids, did not have to worry about a mortgage payment.

Time went on, and my grandma worked as a secretary part-time to help make ends meet.

A couple of years went by, and she happened to meet her friend's brother. He had two children as well. They fell in love, and one weekend, left a note for their teenage children that they had run off to Mexico to get married. (Did I happen to mention that my grandma eloped with her first husband as well?). This was in 1959.

Now, they went from 2 kids each, to 4 teenagers in one household, two boys and two girls.

In 1960, I guess they realized that they needed to expand the house some, since my grandma was due to give birth to my aunt Lori soon. So they added onto the house:


They had plans drawn up and everything, and added on the addition themselves. (That's my grandpa on the right, and my two uncles on the left, helping him). The bedroom (or den, or sitting room, whatever you want to call it) in the back, was extended out further, and another bathroom was added on. (Which I'm sure was desperately needed with six people, soon to be seven living in the house).

Life went on, the teenagers grew up, moved out, some got married and had kids of their own. Christmas was always a big thing, with the whole family over, celebrating. Parties were even had there frequently. The new add-on (which was officially called "The Den" in the household) was quite big and ready for entertaining. My grandpa built a bar for the den (woohoo, some of the liquor that was back there behind that bar!) as well.

My aunt pretty much grew up as the only child in the house, as my mom (who was the youngest teenager) was 16 when my aunt was born. Of course I was over there a lot (and my sisters too), since we lived in the same town and my mom was over a lot to visit. My aunt was 8 when I was born.

Tragedy struck again, in 1992, when my grandma had a stroke. After some time, she seemed to be getting better, but then took a turn for the worse, and in January of 1993, she passed away. My grandpa was SO lost without her. She was his life for over 33 years. He was never right after that. He passed away in 1996, and was finally with his love again.

When my grandma and grandpa got married, the house still stayed in my grandma's name. I don't know why it did, maybe my grandpa felt that he had no right to it, since she and her first husband had bought it together. But even though it was in my grandma's name, it was THEIR house together. I mean look at the picture above, HE added onto THEIR house. So it being HER house was on paper only.

When my grandma passed away, the ownership of the house was transferred into my mom, my aunt, and my uncle's names. When my grandma had her stroke in 1992, my mom moved back into the house to help take care of my grandpa. After he passed away, she still stayed there. There was talk about selling it and such, but my uncle said that he would never pressure my mom into moving. And I think my mom was in her comfort zone. I don't think she wanted to leave it.

My mom and I had always talked about when she retired, she would move down here and we would buy a house with a guest house for her, or a duplex together. But it always seemed to be "in a couple of years". Well, after about 5 years or so, and my husband getting a big raise, and the housing market starting to start it's extreme ride up the escalator, we told my mom that we couldn't wait any longer, we had to buy a house of our own. But we would buy a house were we could add on an apartment just for her, when she did decide to retire and move down here.

So mom retired. Then she went back to work part-time. It always kept getting put off. Then, in the year 2004, she said that she was finally ready. Next year, the house would be sold, and instead of moving down here with me, she was going to move up to Henderson where my aunt lived and my sister as well. She said that my sister needed her more. (okay a WHOLE other can of worms, I'm not opening just yet).

Tragedy struck again. On December 18th, 2004, my sister called me to tell me that mom had been taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She may have had a stroke. I drove up there as quickly as I could (my aunt tried to get me to not drive up there in the state of mind I was in, but I told her that grandma would watch over me and make sure I got up there just fine, and I did). There was no hope. On December 19th, 2004, my mom passed away.

So yet again, more owners were added to the title of the house. This time, my mom's 1/3 ownership went to me and my two sisters.

My sister lived in the house for almost a year and a half taking care of it, because we couldn't sell it yet, because we had to go through probate. Now, just recently, probate is finished, and the house is on the market.

Back on the real estate market after not being on it for 56 years. Here's a picture of the house that was taken within the last year:

Since it was first owned in our family in 1950, few things have changed. The addition was added on, the dining room on the right was extended a little bit (it used to be a bay window-type wall in the front), the entryway into the dining room was widened so that it could be more open. Hardwood floors in the living room and dining room were covered up with carpet (I'd love to see what they look like now though). The "service porch" (as it was called) off the kitchen was remodeled to include a pantry and have room for a dryer. But other than those things, nothing REALLY major has been done to it. There is a door in the "service porch" for the milkman to take out the milk bottles and put a new one in. (I kid you NOT, it's still there!!)

Soon, a new owner will own this house. A house filled with SO many memories will just be that for us soon, memories.......and so many good ones at that..........

Working out when you can't watch Oprah

Okay, first of all let me start by saying that going to the gym and working out on the first day of your period SUCKS! It makes you feel like you've never worked out before! At least it did for me today.....

It was one of those days where I just wanted to stop the machine, get the hell out of there, go home and lay in bed.

But I didn't.......yes, I was a good girl and finished my workout, although I was certainly counting down the minutes I had left, or how many I had done.......

Into minute 10.....Damn, do I really want to do this today? Oh, my stomach's not feeling so hot, maybe I should stop.....

No Doubt comes on the mp3 player.....Okay, I'll get through this song and then see what happens...

A few more songs come on, I'm busy thinking about my sister, Heidi, who recently called, and thinking about the house that we're selling...Wow, we actually got an offer on the house, but it's a sucky offer. Hopefully they'll take our counterbid, either that or someone else will come along soon and make a better offer.

Now I'm 1/2 way through the workout...Wow, I made it 1/2 way and I'm still breathing okay, I guess it's not THAT bad, let's see what it's like at 30 minutes, I've already done 2 miles...

Okay, now a few sucky songs (I guess I can't call them sucky, after all I DID put them on my mp3 player, didn't I?), or should I rephrase that, some songs come on that just don't fit the "mood" for exercising.

::::::::::::off track for a second:::::::::::::::::

A friend of mine was saying how certain foods can evoke memories of things, or people. Well, I think that's DEFINITELY true of songs as well. So many different memories come to mind when so many different songs come on. Whenever I hear "Saturday In the Park" by Chicago, it brings me back to hearing that at a Motocross event that my mom took me to, when I was MAYBE 5 years old. That is the oldest memory I have regarding a song. There are way too many more to even start writing about

:::::::::::::okay, back to the gym::::::::::::::::

Which makes me think....Um, why don't I just change the setting to just play a band that I like a lot of songs to work out to? Damn, I don't want to do that now, let's just see what comes next. Linkin Park, okay, cool, that's a good song to keep going on this machine...

You know, it's amazing the things that just go through your mind, when you're trying to finish your workout, and there's nothing on the TV's there, that you want to watch....Damn, if I was able to get here an hour earlier, I could have been watching Oprah. Now that's always riveting and keeps my mind of working out. It makes the time go by faster.

36 minutes into the workout....Woohoo, I'm getting there! I can finish this! What's next coming on? Danzig? Uh, no, heard that "Mother" song way too many times, I'm bored with it. Next! Usher....Okay, I can deal with this one.

I can't even remember what the last songs that were on that I was listening to, I just remember that I got down to the "cool down" period.....Yea! Only FIVE more minutes left!

I finally finish, thank goodness, and get off the darn machine (I shouldn't call it that, I really DO like working out on it most of the time), and go clean it off, like a good workout person does, grab my stuff and head down the stairs. I go down the first stair and what happens? My stupid ass left knee starts giving out....WHAT??!! Okay, shit, come on body, I just gave you a good workout, working out the cardio for 50 minutes and my knee doesn't want to cooperate? Damn.....

So I do a sort of hop quickly on that leg when I use it down the stairs and make it look like I'm just trying to get down quicker. Once I'm on level ground, it starts working properly again. Guess my knee just didn't like the stairs today....

To my car I go, and off to home I go to shower and eat dinner with my family. See you next week YMCA!

Quick with the Wit

My youngest always seems to ask the question of all questions. She constantly asks about things. Now, my oldest did too, but either she let me think about it for a minute, or the questions were easy to answer. Not my youngest......

This morning.......

"Mama, why are is the fish smiling at me?"

"Because he's happy to see you!"

"Why is he happy to see me?"

"Because he loves you!"

Okay, that wasn't so hard. But these questions just come out of the blue and she wants an answer ASAP! If I don't answer within the first 5, or 2 seconds, she's asking you again, and again, and again.....

So here is when I was quick with my wit......

About a year and a half ago ( I think), she was watching the signal lights on the street. So she asked what the Red, Yellow and Green lights mean. No problem! Those were easy to answer!! Then she started coming up with other colors. Here's where I had to get creative.......

"What does a pink light mean?"

"Be a Princess"

"What does a blue light mean?"

"Be Happy"

"What does an orange light mean?"

"Be a clown"

"What does a purple light mean?"

"Go crazy!"

What does a brown light mean?"

............

...............

..............

(okay, trying to come up with something neat, but, alas, the first thing that comes to my mind............)

...........................

..............................

......................"Go poop"

Yea, and I'll bet you'll never guess which light makes her laugh the most when she asks what that light means..............

Yea, the "go poop" brown light.....

So I'm not ALWAYS quick with the wit, but at least I'm creative sometimes....................

My Baby Turns 4 Today!!!

Wow, I just can't believe my baby is turning 4 today! She certainly has been waiting for it long enough! A while back she wanted to know whose birthday comes next before her birthday. So I had to go down the list of family members to get to her birthday. For months she knew that after it was Uncle Dan's birthday, it would be her birthday. And that when she turns 4, she gets to be in a booster seat in the car. No more car seat! Wow.........that is going to be so eerie, no car seat! She'll now get to use the regular seatbelt with her booster seat. Oh, speaking of booster seats, we got a COOL one! We were going to get her a "girlie" one, but the one they had in Target was SOOOOOOOOOOO pink it was pukey! (And I LOVE pink!). So this one is upgraded, dark brown & black, more cushey and even has lights on the headrest part in case she needed light to read or do activities! Damn!!!

Awwww, she just woke up and I hugged her and said, "Happy Birthday! You are FOUR years old today!"

"I'm FOUR years old today?!" (Holding up four fingers)

"Yes you are!"

"YEAAAA!!!!"

What a much better day today is than the day she was born. It was exciting, but yet scary too.

See, I was only 34 weeks along when she was born.

A few days prior, I took a non-stress test for my pregnancy. They noticed my blood pressure was high (I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure for about 9 years now) and had me go up to labor & delivery to get checked out. Well, after examining me, they noticed I was about 2-3 centimeters dialated! They said I had been having some contractions, but I never noticed them. (Which is odd, since I do feel just about everything in my body!)

So I got put on steroids to help further develop my baby. I had to come back every 12 hours to get a shot. In the meantime, my oldest daughter was at gymnastics and they wouldn't let me leave the hospital just yet to get her. So I called a dear friend of mine to go get her for me.

After they finally released me, I went to get my oldest daughter and we went home. I was able to get a hold of my husband too (yea, he wasn't here, he was up in Seattle on a port visit with the ship he was connected to), and he had me call his parents to come down just in case I needed them.

Next day....we went to the hospital around midnight to get my next shot, then came home. I actually went to work that day too, because I had to do payroll. While there though, I didn't feel good AT ALL! So my boss drove me home and my in-laws took me back to the hospital (it was time for the next steroid shot anyway). By that time labor seemed to progress a little more, my blood sugars were way up (oh yea, did I mention I had gestational diabetes as well?!), my blood pressure was up, etc. So they put me on more medicine, and stopped my labor.

Next day.....August 3, 2002..........doctors wake me up EARLY in the morning. My body is not doing well, and I am far enough along that they think my baby has a REALLY good chance being born early...34 weeks along.....it took me FIVE HOURS to get a hold of my husband.....FINALLY!..... and he got permission to come home and then tried to get a flight home.

In the meantime, I called my dear friend, Michelle, and asked her if she wanted to come help me deliver this baby! She was SOOOO excited to be there and witness it! My in-laws still had my eldest, but my mother-in-law wasn't doing too well with all the excitement and stress going on, so she called my mom and asked her to come down to help with Cheyenne. So my mom and my aunt came down. And I'm so glad that they did, my mom was able to see a grandaughter right after she was born.

My husband made it to the hospital just as I was getting ready to push my daughter out. Now this was an experience for us as well, as my oldest daughter has to be born via c-section. It was the most amazing thing, giving birth to my youngest. I cried, I was so happy.

She did end up having some problems though. Her lungs weren't fully developed so she was on Surfactin (sp?) for a few days to get her lungs matured, one of her lungs did collapse and she had to have a chest tube inserted, jaundice, multiple tests, BUT she was only in NICU for a week. But that week was the longest week of my life.

Now?! She's so incredibly healthy! She's full of life & vigor. She makes me crazy sometimes, but makes me laugh just as much. She's a spitfire, that's for sure. And she's mine. And she's FOUR years old today! (I always remember that Bill Cosby performance when he talks about the boy, Jeffrey, who was on a plane with him one time and said over and over, "I'm four years old. I'm four years old." ) :D

Listening to him read and sing.....

I am sitting here on the computer and off in the living room, I hear my husband reading a story to my youngest, on the eve of her 4th birthday. It's a Blue's Clues book with a button that plays music that you sing rhymes too. Now mind you, he reads the books fabulously to her, but his singing? Well, let's just say it's not in tune with the music. Either he ends before the song is done or the music is done before he is.

But you know what? My daughter could CARE one bit! All she cares is that Daddy was reading a book to her. And that is just the sweetest thing ever.

I just had to share.........................