Trying VERY Hard Here.....

4 years ago on December 19th, was probably the worst day in my life. That whole week was probably the worst week in my life.

When my mom died.

Christmas? Yea, not so much fun AT ALL.

But I vowed that I would not let her death ruin future Christmases for me, considering it IS my favorite holiday.

I LOVE decorating the house, both inside and out. I LOVE getting presents for people. I love MAKING presents for people. I love to see the look on their eyes, or hear it in their voice when I get them something that they wanted, or didn't expect or love.

I LOVE the whole month leading up to Christmas. I LOVE baking Christmas goodies. I love getting the Christmas cards out. I LOVE receiving Christmas cards and find out how loved ones are doing and what they did this year. I LOVE waking up Christmas morning and seeing the anticipation on my girls faces for when they can come out and see what Santa brought them.

I LOVE the ornament exchange that my email moms group does at this time and how we almost always end up having a crazy chat conversation on the computer and laughing.

I LOVE going to look at Christmas lights. I love how the house is so warm and toasty during this time (that is when it's not 85 degrees outside).

4 years ago, I couldn't wait for Christmas to be over. Instead of the excitement leading up to Christmas that last week, I was wishing it would be over as soon as possible. Oh, I tried my best to put up the best front I could that morning for my girls, trying to smile and be happy, but it just wasn't there. And it wasn't there for my sister. We were both faced with the wrapped presents that were under the tree for us from our mom. And the presents that were under there from us for our mom. We did get through it, with the help of hubby, who suggested we each other's presents that we had given to mom the night before, that way they wouldn't be sitting there Christmas morning.

This year circumstances are really testing my love for Christmas again.

Last week we had some heavy rains, and not that we haven't had heavier rains prior to this time, but this time we thought we had it all covered. A new roof, new rain gutters, we thought we were set.

Well, apparently the rain gutter guy didn't install the downspout in the proper positioning, because with as much water that came through the one downspout, it has seeped into the oldest's bedroom and totally ruined her carpet.

So the bonus I got for being Employee of the Year? Now has to pay for a new carpet. We have contacted the contractor who installed it and he, so far has said that he is not responsible for it.

He has yet to talk to me though.

I will be calling him in the next couple of days and try to get him to understand that he is responsible and should do the right thing and pay for it, to avoid going to small claims court.

So in the meantime, hubby has pulled up the carpet to get ready for the new carpet. The oldest did a fabulous job emptying her room for that. It's amazing the nooks and crannies I can find in this house to store her "room".

So he pulls up the carpet and what does he find? Linoleum. Linoleum??!! In a bedroom??!!! WTF?! But then we're thinking okay, maybe that's not such a bad thing. It probably protected the slab.

So hubby goes in there (after putting fans and heaters in there to dry it out) and finds the linoleum loose. So he starts pulling up a few of the tiles.

Yes, water under there!

So now he has to pull up the whole floor (carpet tacks around the edges and everything) so we can dry out the slab. Which pushes back the installation of the carpet by quite a few days.

Because you don't want to put new carpet on a damp slab or an seemingly dry slab, you've got to wait until a few days after that.

When did all of this start you ask?

December 18th & 19th.

The same time my mom had her stroke and died, 4 years ago.

So of course it's bringing back all the feelings of dread and doom and despair I had 4 years ago.

I'm fighting like hell to try and keep my spirits up and push forward to have a wonderful Christmas.

I told hubby last night that I don't want to know all the details anymore. Just let me know when the room will be ready for the carpet.

I want to be in denial on this one.

Looking For The Positive

I am one of those people who tried to look for the positive.

For example, if the eldest comes home and tells me about how one girl was acting at school, whether it be bitchy or mean or whatever, I listen, comfort her and then tell her, "Well, maybe she is just having a hard day, or problems at home or something else that's making her be this way". Because I KNOW that my eldest can certainly not have the nicest demeanor at times, and it's usually because she's hurting or upset or something to that nature.

Hubby is gone now for 4 months. It sucks. Let me tell you, it's NEVER a good thing when he goes out to sea because we miss him terribly. And I KNOW he misses us terribly too. I mean, I don't think I could EVER do that, be away from our girls for that long and home and everything else. A positive note? It helps us to appreciate each other so much more during these times.

Now that's not to say that I'm one of those people who always has a cheery disposition and in "la-la" land or one of those TV shows from the 50's.

I can be a downright bitch at times too.

And then there are the times when there is absolutely no way to find a positive in certain situations. Sometimes things happen and it sucks and it hurts. Like when my mom died over 3 years ago, 6 days before Christmas. There is no positive in that. It was awful. It was painful and it took me a VERY long time to get to a place in my life of now. That's not to say that I constantly miss her. I do, all the time. I went through major anxiety attacks and the fear that I was going to end up just like her and die and leave my girls and my hubby without me. It took therapy and a conversation with my aunt to get past that. After talking with my aunt, she helped me to see a different side of my mom who was most likely depressed and lonely and who chose not to take her medication. And after she said those words, it was amazing how my view of the whole situation turned. It made me look back at her life in a totally different way. She was lonely. She did have a hard life, raising 3 girls all by herself. The fact that she probably never got over her father's death when she was 13. The fact that her mother, my grandmother, made her go to a home for unwed mothers when she was about 18 or 19 and forced her to give up the baby, and another baby after that, but before me. She was always looking for that love that she lost when she lost her dad.

I certainly do not want to end up like that. I make sure I take my medication. I don't drink. I don't smoke and I exercise. I've already changed the course somewhat by doing these things that my mom didn't do. Maybe you could say that the positive in that is that I now take better care of myself.

See, there I go again, trying to find a positive somewhere.

I had a miscarriage before I was blessed with my eldest. It was such a devastating thing for me to go through. I don't wish that on anyone. And while it was an awful thing, if I had not had that miscarriage, I wouldn't have my eldest. I do mourn for that little one lost, but I have to realize that I have my eldest and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Or my little one for that matter.

I've also been one who hasn't had to have the most expensive stuff, or the biggest house. All I have ever wanted in life was to be married to a wonderful man, have children and a house. And I got what I wanted, thanks to my hubby. There have been times when he would say, "I wish I could give you more, or a bigger diamond, etc." and I tell him that while that would be nice, you have already given me my dream come true.

So, after all this rambling, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do look for the positive, at least over 1/2 the time. It may not be right away, or sometimes it may not even be there during a situation, but it's life. And you might as well go through life with a good outlook. It's the only life you're going to get.

This, That & The Other

Damn, I can't believe this month is almost 1/2 over already!! Hubby has been gone for almost a month and a half now.

April was not a fun month for me. I was sick with the stomach flu for over 2 1/2 weeks! Blech! And it's not like I could just lay in bed all day long and have someone take care of me. Being the sole parent sucks big time when you're sick. I still don't know how my mom did it, and she had 3 kids all by herself, all the time.

Which brings me to my youngest sister. She's 10 years younger than me and we are a lot alike in a lot of ways. Sometimes when I see her go through things in life, I'm like, "Wow, that was me back then". We have always been very close too.

She just recently lost her father, due to a brain tumor, that somehow got "activated" when he had to have surgery on a broken leg. He was 80 years old. Before that he had rarely been sick a day in his life. I feel for her. But before he passed away, she was able to let go of all of the negativity she had for him. I never got to do that with my father before he passed away. It warms my heart that she got to do that with her father.

Yes, you read that right. We have different fathers. In fact, our other sister who is inbetween our ages, has a different father too. Now some of you may be thinking, "Wow, their mom must have been a hoochie-mama, with all of them having different dads." You couldn't be further from the truth. She just had HORRIBLE luck with me. Part of me wonders if this was because she lost her own dad when she was 13. My grandma did marry again when she was 16, so she had my grandpa for that, but I know it wasn't the same for her. My father ended up still being married to his first wife when he was married to my mom. (Yea, I know, nice, huh??!!!)

Then came along my younger sister's dad and he and my mom were supposed to get married, but then he decided to take off on her before it happend and before my sister was born.

And finally, came along my youngest sister's dad. When my mom got pregnant with her, she was already set enough in how she lived that she did not really want to get married to her dad.

Pretty much after that, she just quit dating alltogether. I mean, come on, how could she, raising 3 girls all on her own?! And she never asked for child support either. She told me once that she didn't want to have to rely on it for one thing, and she also didn't want to have to be obligated where we had to spend weekends, vacation or whatever with them.

I'm sure you are thinking, hello??!, there is a thing called birth-control. And no she wasn't catholic either. Maybe she was naive. In a lot of ways I think she was. She was a trusting person for the most part as well.

So even though we all had different dads, we were all together all the time. My dad rarely came around, my younger sister's dad NEVER came around, and my youngest sister's dad probably came around more than anyone else's.

But having your dad come around here and there, never at any specific time, doesn't make for a good relationship there. And both me and my youngest sister definitely had issues with that. Our grandpa was always around for us, so we did have a male figure in our lives, but he was grandpa, you know?

Anyway, back to my youngest sister. The service for her dad was this past Wednesday. She went and got to spend time with her two older sisters and older brother. I am SO happy for her. I LOVE the fact that she is getting to know another part of her family. Over the years, I have gotten to get to know my two older sisters (I actually have 3, but I've never met the other one) and my older brother before he passed away in 1992. And even though they are my family too, it's still so different from the relationship I have with my 2 sisters that I grew up with.

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My eldest daughter's softball team won first place in their division a couple of weeks ago. It was SO exciting! I was so happy for her team, and not just for my daughter. I was actually more happy for the coach, his daughter and the pitcher for the team. They had all been in the playoffs for 5 years in a row, and each time they had always taken 2nd place. Until this year. So it was a very heartwarming win for them.

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Mother's Day is this Sunday, and all I've asked for from my girls is to let me sleep in, and let me scrapbook that day. I don't want them buying me anything. To make me something is the best thing, because they made it for me.

It's also definitely a time where I do miss my mom a lot too, but a few years before she passed away, she let me know that it was okay for me to stay at home and enjoy my mother's day. After all, I'm a mom too. That was such a wonderful gift to give to me too. I got to start making my own mother's day memories with my girls (hubby and the eldest got on their hands and knees one year and cleaned the floors for me, because I was pregnant with the youngest at the time). So even though I miss not having my mom for mother's day, it's not as bad as if it was a day where I was with her every year.

And I do have my mother-in-law too though. She has been wonderful and has been there for me when I do need her.

Two Years Ago Today....

.....my mom passed away.

The past few months have been pretty hard on me, and I've been thinking about my mom a lot. I've been missing her a lot. A friend of mine recently wrote about her loss on her blog, and she said it was therapeutic to her. Maybe writing about this will be therapeutic to me.

Two years ago and an evening ago, I got a phone call. It was my sister, who was visiting my mom from out of state. I knew it was her, because she usually always calls me when she's visiting my mom. " I knew it was you", I jokingly said. That's when all the jokes stopped. She called to tell me that they had taken mom away in an ambulance.

About a half hour later I got a call from my other sister who had gone in the ambulance with my mom. "There's bleeding in the brain", she said. When she said those words, I knew. I knew there was no hope. My mom had had a massive bleeding stroke.

I frantically packed my clothes and my girls' clothes. My husband was frantically running around after me too. See, he had to go to work on Monday, and when you're in the military, you don't miss work, especially when it's a day as important as that day was. What was he going to do? He knew he needed and wanted to go up with me, but how? We finally decided to take two cars.

My aunt called. She didn't want me driving up there by myself in that state of mind. I told her not to worry. Husband was going to follow me from behind and I KNEW that my grandma, up in heaven, would be watching over me to make sure I got there to see my mom before she passed on to say goodbye.

When I got up there, I met my youngest sister in the hospital, and husband took the kids to my mom's house. I saw my mom hooked up to machines. She was not responsive. She didn't open her eyes. She didn't talk. She just lied there. They moved her up to ICU shortly after I got there. The doctors kept coming in to talk to us. They would run additional tests in the morning to confirm what we already knew. There was too much bleeding in the brain and it had shifted her brain. They said her eyes were fixed and dialated. If we took her off the machines, did she want her organs donated? I had no idea. I was in a fog, yet very real state.

My youngest sister and I stayed there. We were NOT leaving our mom. My other sister couldn't handle it. She kept coming and going.

At some point in the night, while my sister and I dozed for a few minutes, I could actually feel my mom's soul leave the room. When I woke up and looked at her, I knew for sure. Her soul was gone. She was up in heaven. All that was left was her body, still hooked up to machines.

In the morning, the doctors were going to start running more tests but we said no. We knew. We knew she was gone. We made the decision to turn off the machines. It wasn't a hard decision though. Mom had always told us that she never wanted to be hooked up to machines. She didn't want to suffer. She always joked that she wanted us to take her out back and shoot her. (It may sound shocking but not the way she said it).

So we made the calls to everyone. We got my sister back down to the hospital to say goodbye. She left again before they shut off the machines. No one knew if she wanted to have her organs donated and while it is a WONDERFUL thing to do, we were selfish at the time. We wanted it to be over with. We didn't want to think of our mom still being hooked up to machines to have her organs harvested, for another 14 hours. We wanted to be there when her body stopped.

My husband came by on his way back down to our house so he could go to work the next day and get time off to come back up. They were getting ready to turn the machines off. My sister's boyfriend had come down too. Both of them stayed in the room with us the whole time.

Both my sister and I watched my mom, each of us were on one side of her. We agonizingly memorized every inch of her. We touched her face. We hugged her. We kissed her. We looked at her feet and hands and looked at our own to see what we inherited from her.

We waited for her heart to stop. For her body to stop. When it finally did, we hugged her and said goodbye. We hugged each other and cried. We both knew that we would be there for each other.

As sad and devastating as that moment was, I would NOT trade it for anything. I was there when my mom took her last breath. I was there until the end. It was a moment in time that I will always cherish, and I know my sister will too. My mom was there when we came in the world and we were there when she left.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday.

In honor of her, I am making the tacos she used to make for us when we were growing up.

I make these tacos only once a year, October 11th.

I love you and I miss you terribly Mom!!!!