Losing it.....

Sigh.......

What a week this has been for me!!

Yea, you know how in my last post I had such a nice relaxing day? Well, it all went downhill from there.

Shortly after dinner on that night I was invaded by ants on my kitchen counter. Let me just say that me and ants? Nu-uh. We don't mesh well. I kill ants. I admit it. I'm an ant killer.

So after about an hour of getting rid of them, finding out where they came from, caulking up the area so they couldn't get out, (Have caulk gun, will travel) sending a curse-filled email to my husband (who called me afterwards because he couldn't even think of anything to write back), I was okay. Or at least I thought I was......

Come Tuesday evening......

I'm just sitting on the couch, after dinner, thought I was taking it easy, but then I started having an uneasy feeling. I thought I was getting heartburn, so I took 2 Rolaids to help. Well, it didn't help. Took my blood pressure, it was up. Not good. Heartrate was up as well. Called the after hours help line. Talked to a doctor. Doctor thought I should go to the ER to get it checked out JUST TO MAKE SURE.....

Well, hubby had had NO sleep in the past 36 hours so I really felt he needed to get some sleep (he was already asleep by the time I had this and needed to go to the ER). So I called my friend to come and get me and the girls.

So we trekked down the ER all together, all the time I'm freaking out inside because I think I'm having a fucking heart attack, or something related to my heart. I have a family history on my father's side of heart disease.

Get down to the ER. Well, it was PACKED!! BUT.....when you tell a doctor or a nurse that you are having chest discomfort, you basically are shot to the front of the line. So in I went and got hooked up to monitors to do an EKG. The damn thing takes longer to set up than actually run the test! Did the EKG...................NO HEART ATTACK! Oh my goodness, thank the lord for that!!!!

Still.........

So I had to go back into the waiting room, back to the end of the line......

Okay, I was not having my friend wait around for me, while she had my girls. I asked her if she could take them to her house so they could all get some sleep. She agreed. What a friend, I tell you!! She's awesome. Actually all my friends are awesome, because I know they'd all do that for me. Do I know how to pick them or what?

So, got to wait around for about 2 hours or so (got to watch some TV inbetween dozing off in the chair) until they called me in. Got me in a bed, took blood and vitals and hooked me up to a machine to monitor me. Asked me lots of questions, and then basically left me alone for an hour or so. At that point I did doze off for a while. When they came back, they said that everything with my heart looked really good, so they seriously doubted it had anything to do with my heart. They basically think I just had really bad heartburn that was caused partly by anxiety and stress.

Anxiety and stress.......

Well, there you go. That I've had a lot of lately. And here I thought I was doing well this past week with hubby gone. Apparently not!

So it got me thinking......I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom's not around anymore. I don't have her to call when he's out to sea. I KNOW I'm freaking out about what could go wrong with the house while he's gone. Stress............anxiety..........and all that shit that goes with it.............

So they discharge me with some heartburn medication and then the doctor asks me if I'd like some Xanax. Um, okay.....that could probably help.......I was taking Buspar, but I guess that's not working anymore! (I stress about things, I worry a lot, I suffer from anxiety, I freely admit it)

Hubby comes to get me at the ER around 3:00 a.m. or so and we go home. Set the alarm to wake up at 6:30 so I can get my girls from my friend and get them off to school. Oh, and then my youngest starts crying at preschool because she doesn't want me to leave. I just want to go back home and sleep. I'm exhausted by this point. The teachers finally have to pry her away from me so I can leave (just about broke my heart though!) I called the school later though and they said she quit crying VERY shortly after that. Thank goodness!

Had hubby go get the youngest at preschool so I could sleep some more. Then I had my friend bring my eldest home from school so I could still relax some more.

Wednesday night.......took my first Xanax......

Thursday morning.............was a TOTAL ZOMBIE when I woke up! I could barely function!!! I was supposed to take my eldest and her friend to school, but there was no way I could drive! So my friend got them both and took them. I laid on the couch, gave my youngest a variety of foods to eat so I could doze off and it wasn't until about 11 a.m. or so that it started wearing off. Ummm.....okay, not taking THAT again! Or at least that much! Talked to the nurses line and they told me I could take a 1/2 dose. Okay, I'll do that, AT NIGHT! The doc originally had prescribed it for THREE TIMES A DAY! Um, okay, yea, can't do that and function with two children! Maybe if I were single, had no job and could stay in my house all day I could do that, but I don't think so......

Thursday night......took a 1/2 pill.....

Friday morning......woke up feeling stoned! Okay, apparently 1/2 pill isn't working that well either! But at least I was able to function for the most part.

Emailed with a friend of mine who told me to take the pill earlier in the evening and then by morning the effects should wear off.

Friday night......took the 1/2 pill again, but earlier.....went to bed around 9:30, woke up around 8:00 a.m. this morning....

Did not feel stoned. YEA! But still felt a tiny woozy. Okay, that does it, I'm cutting the pill in 1/2 again.......I see the doctor on Monday, so I should be good until then. Then I'm having doc give me something else. NOT Xanax. I do want to stop taking it, because I don't like the effects, but I know that I still have the uneasy feeling all week, partly from the anxiety attack, and worrying that it's going to happen again, and I need something to help me ease that feeling.

Plus the fact that when I was in the ER, they took a portable chest x-ray and then called me on Wednesday to tell me that when the radiologist looked at it, he thought he saw what MAY be a spot. A spot?! SHIT! So I went in on Thursday, got a two view chest x-ray done. I asked, "When will I get the results?" They tell me, "Well, you need to make a follow-up with your doctor." Shit.......

So that's mainly where the Monday doctor visit comes in. To get the results.

I ask the technician, "But what if there's something really wrong with it? Will they let me know before that?"

They tell me, "Oh, if there's something wrong, they'll contact your doctor, who in turn, will call you." Great. More waiting.

But the nurse did tell me that I shouldn't worry. My first x-ray was on a PORTABLE one, AND I was laying down. They couldn't get a good full view of my chest (which is semi-large), and who knows what was on or under that bed. Did make me feel better.....

But it's now Saturday morning, so it's been almost 48 hours since I got that chest x-ray and I have heard NOTHING. I'm taking that as a REALLY good sign. Plus given the fact that all my blood work came back great, not hinting of anything, I'm taking that as a good sign. I have to. If I keep worrying about it, I'm going to lose it again, and have to be placed on the Xanax 3 times a day to keep me in a zombie state so I don't think about it.

But yesterday was a really good day, in the afternoon. I took my eldest shopping for her birthday, and I felt better than I had in the previous days. So I think I'm coming to the end of the tunnel for now.

Busy day today though.....my eldest has a soccer game, then she's having two friends to spend the night over and we're going bowling. So I'll be busy, but not stressful. And that's a good thing.......