Memories of Me Monday

My youngest can talk a person's ear off if she knows them well enough. She will talk and talk and talk and talk. Which reminds me of something my grandma said to me once. She told me that I used to talk and talk like that when I was little. We would be shopping, or standing in line and I would just talk non-stop. Of course I don't remember that, since I was so little. But I do have "semi" proof of it. On my 1st grade report card, the teacher made a notation that I was very talkative in class. Not so much talkative as to interrupt class constantly, but very vocal in answering questions, asking questions, etc.

All of that changed though, when I got into 2nd grade. See, we moved and I had to go to a different school. New school, new people, new teacher.....I suddenly became shy.

And I think I was that way for a long time. Of course when I was around my friends, I wasn't shy at all. In fact, when we all started liking boys in junior high and high school, I would be the first one to go tell the boy that so and so liked them (ONLY if they asked me to do that).

In high school, I don't think I would consider myself shy, I mean I would talk to people and such, but when it came to talking to a boy I liked, forget about it! I would NOT make the first move. Even if he made the first move and talked to me, I still would have trouble making conversation at first.

It wasn't until I got out of high school and worked at Contempo Casuals (remember that store?), and I was the cashier, so I HAD to talk to the customers. I still was never Chatty Cathy, by any means, but it definitely helped me!

Also, when I moved out on my own with my friend, we had guy neighbors downstairs from us, and I became friends with them and being around guys more, helped me to talk to guys a lot more.

And so then came the night that I met my future husband. I certainly didn't know it at the time though. I actually initiated the conversation with him.

I've come a long way baby!

Love Thursday, Back to the 1940's

This picture was taken circa 1940.

That's my great-grandpa Owen on the far left. My grandpa John is right next to him cracking up, and his two brothers are next to him, Ken and Newt.

I love this picture SO MUCH! Even though my grandpa Owen has, what looks like, a solemn look on his face, it's actually a "I'm a proud dad and look at my three handsome sons next to me". He LOVED his children SO incredibly much! And you can tell his three sons are having the time of their lives.

I'm still researching, by talking to family, as to why the picture was taken. Even if I don't find out, I still love it.

And what a better picture to represent the 1940's, eh? Four men in suits, hats and smoking cigars!

Nothing says love better than family being together enjoying themselves.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday.

In honor of her, I am making the tacos she used to make for us when we were growing up.

I make these tacos only once a year, October 11th.

I love you and I miss you terribly Mom!!!!

Kiss The Girls And Kick The Cat.....

That has been my husband's "sign off" in his latest e-mails.

He's out to sea right now and so the only way we can communicate is via e-mails. But thank goodness for e-mail!!! When we first got married, he left a week later for six months. Other than calling me when he got into a port, the only other way we communicated was through regular snail mail. Sometimes it would be weeks before I received a letter and then I would get like ten of them all at once, and sometimes they were out of order too.

Nowadays we can talk to each other via e-mail and carry on conversations to the point of almost instant messaging. I can send him pictures, short movies of the girls, etc.

Gotta love technology!!!!

Oh, and as for the "kick the cat" part, well, let's just say we have a wild cat. We've nicknamed her the "Vampire Cat". She's only a kitten still, born around July 1st, but we'll be walking down the hallway and she'll come up behind us and start attacking our feet and legs! WHILE we're walking!! It's a rare moment that she'll let us just hold and pet her. She lets me hold her more than she'll let anyone else though. We can't even let her in the bedroom at night because we'll get no sleep! She'll just attack at will, if she's awake.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to stock up on bandaids.........

It's a Love Thursday Again!

This picture was taken when my eldest was almost 4 years old. My mom had come down to visit. They were on the back patio playing and I was inside. I saw them sitting there, leaning against the back patio door and I just had to take this picture.

My mom just LOVED to watch her granddaughters. She loved to sit and talk with them, listen to them and just enjoy them. She didn’t have to take them on special trips, buy them special presents, she was just there.

My mom and my eldest had SUCH a special relationship between them. Even though it’s been almost two years since my mom passed away, it’s still hard on her. And me too……

I framed this picture and gave it to my mom for a present one year. It’s now in my eldest’s bedroom.

What A Day!!!!

I'm telling you, my youngest had better adjust to Daddy being gone soon!!! It is SOOO trying for me!!

I am trying to be as patient and understanding as possible, but still, she's got to listen!

Okay, yea, so I am PMSing, so what! So maybe it's making me a little bit more short tempered than normal. Too bad! Bite me baby!

So watch, she adjusts about a week before he returns from being out to sea. Then she has to adjust all over again when he's home? I sure hope not!!

Is it bedtime yet?

The Baking Torch Has Been Passed Down....

My eldest asked if she could bake some chocolate chip cookies all by herself today.

She has helped me in the past, but has never used the mixer. But I thought, hey, why not?

So I allowed her. She's almost done with her cookies and she has done a fabulous job! She followed the recipe, used the mixer just fine and is even using the oven by herself too! Of course I am here to supervise, no way is she allowed to use it without me being here.

But I am SO proud of her!!! I have always loved baking, whether it's cookies or cakes. I'm so glad she likes doing it too!

So it looks like I won't be getting to bake cookies that often anymore! Not that I did it that much anyway, but I have a feeling that everytime I do need to make them, she'll want to. It's okay. I know my mom let me do it when I wanted to as well. :)

At least I got to make bread by myself today. :D

Another Update on ME

It's Saturday.

It's now been a week and a good week at that! There was only one major instance that I can think of where I got very emotional, and that's when our dog put a claw mark or two on the front door. See, we just got this dog. He was my aunt's, but she is moving to Kentucky :::::Sniff, sniff::::::::, and had to give him up. We offered to take him. He REALLY is a good dog, but he's a people dog. The dog won't even go outside to pee unless someone is outside with him. He much rather likes being inside with everyone. So when we are gone, we still leave him inside because he has gone through two screen doors out back. I mean he will literally take the screen door DOWN! So I talked to hubby about it that day and I was so worried that he was going to get mad at me, if for some reason, it didn't work out. He told me that my mental health was FAR more important than a pet. Gotta love this man!!!! So now we're just taking it day by day with doggie and we'll see. If he continues to claw at the door (hey, we DO eventually need a new door anyway, the guy who put it up before we bought this house shaved too much off the door and there are some "heat escaping, a/c escaping" gaps between the door and the jam), we'll put him outside and if he can't handle being outside without ruining doors, he'll have to be put on a chain while we're gone. I really don't want to do that, and that will be the last resort. So I do hope that he gets better about being inside. If there's a reason that I would have to be gone ALL day, obviously I'd have to put him outside.

Also, hubby left ::::sniff, sniff::::::::::::.

He'll be gone a month. (He's in the Navy) We are definitely missing him already! But I'm taking it one day at a time, because if I really think about how long he'll be gone, I think I will have a big anxiety attack. My preschooler had a hard time with it yesterday. She cried when I left her at preschool, cried just before I picked her up and was VERY antsy about going to bed last night. She can be a very emotional child. (Hmmmmmmm.......wonder where she gets THAT from???) So I'm just plugging along every day, doing the norm....

I was very productive yesterday, paid bills, balanced checkbook, went to Costco, etc.

It's the start of a busy weekend! My eldest has a soccer game today and then we have errands to run and I have to sweep and vaccuum this house before the dog hair takes it over! Oh, and I need a new vaccuum bad. I don't think mine can take it much longer. Poor vaccuum, it's been so good to me too........

So as you can tell by my post, I am doing MUCH better! Have settled into my meds just fine now, I'm sleeping better (part in thanks to some Benadryl), and I seem to "feel" ME most of the time again too.

Which is a good thing. I missed me.

Love Thursday

Here is a picture of a man who time and time again makes me realize what a truly lucky woman I am.....

On The Mend....

Sigh.....

What an exhausting time these last 3 weeks have been.

Panic Attacks every day.....

Trying different meds here and there.......

Not fun.......

At least now I'm back on what I was on before the Panic/Anxiety Attacks happened. Back on the Buspar.

Just a higher dose.....

Psychiatrist says to stick with what my body has tolerated in the past......

Now just need to see a psychiatrist to monitor meds and a psychologist to monitor my psyche!

Actually I have seen a psychologist. Saw him on Thursday.

What an AMAZING amount of questions he asked. Some were so personal!! But, you know what? I'll answer them if they are going to help me get better and get over this.

A couple of people have asked if maybe this is a delayed reaction to my mom's death. I think it quite possibly could be.

Psychologist wants to make sure I don't lean towards agoraphobia more than I started to. He wants me to push through it, if I have a panic attack, don't freeze up. Go places. Push through it.

I got my first dose of that on Thursday after I saw him.

Had to pick up my daughter from school.

Hadn't picked her up in over a week when I think I had had a panic attack picking her up one day.

I literally cried on the phone to my friend and my boss driving around to make it to her school. How crazy is that? Those internal fears can just literally stop you in your tracks. Make you scared of something that is something you normally do every day! Scary shit, I tell you!

But I did it! I pushed through. I remembered things my doctor told me. It helped. Boy did it help.

I was given Ambien to help me sleep, but on Friday night when I was going to take it, I got so afraid that I was going to be so groggy the next day (drowsy medications seem to have a much deeper effect on me) that I decided not to take it. I don't want to be dependent on something to help me sleep. Another thing I need to push through.

I talked to my aunt yesterday and she was telling me how strong she always thought I was. Well, yea, when I have to be the strong one, I usually am. But maybe it was being too strong too much that made me not be able to. Maybe because my mom always was there for me that helped me to be strong. I don't know. I just started therapy, so I don't have all the answers and I don't want to analyze it too much right now.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

That's what I need to focus on.

Keep moving.

Keep doing what I've normally done.

Don't sit and think and analyze my psyche. That's what the psychologist is there for. He can do it for me. He can tell me what's wrong. He can help me to fix it.

I've got my friends and family that I can talk to and lean on for support. It's my turn to get the support. And that's what I'm going to do.

Update on New Meds

Well, shortly after posting the previous post, I got incredibly drowsy. So drowsy in fact that I was on the couch most of the day! The only time I wasn't on the couch was when a friend of mine took me to the ER, because the nurse's line suggested that I go, because she was worried that I was too drowsy.

So the doctors think it could be a combination of the Valium (hello, I took 1.25 mg, I'm such a wuss!) and the Paxil. So they told me to cut the Paxil in 1/2 and take 2.5 mg of that at night and 2.5 mg in the morning, and NO Valium.

I sure hope this works! I'm getting sick of either being too doped up or having too much anxiety! Not a good thing for my family or my household!

It's now been 12 hours since I took the last Paxil and I'm STILL feeling dopey and drugged! Good god man, I sure can't tolerate this shit!

New Meds

Went back to the doctor yesterday to talk about getting on new medication for the anxiety attacks. I was having them every day for the past few days and I didn't think the Buspar was working all that well. I had talked to a friend of mine who suggested I get on Paxil, but the time-released pill. She said it did wonders for her.

So off I went to the doctor to talk to her about it. As luck would have it (which is a weird thing to say), I was right in the middle of an anxiety attack. I was able to describe to her EVERYTHING that was happening to me at that moment. It's weird to say, because even though I didn't WANT to be having an anxiety attack, because it was happening, I was able to more accurately describe my symptoms. Sometimes when you've had something happen to you, it's not always easy to remember EVERYTHING, you know?

So she put me on Paxil. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't carry the time-released version (which is weird, because you think they would, you know?). So she put me on the lowest dose and had me cut THAT in 1/2 and take 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night. THEN!, she gave me some Valium too! She gave me the lowest dosage there (5 mg, I think) and had me cut that into QUARTERS! Plus she only wanted me to take that at night to help me get a good night's sleep for the first few days until the Paxil really kicks in.

I took the Paxil last night and I swear, I could feel it working within an hour. Now, maybe it was just my subconcious, like a placebo effect, doing it. Hey man, whateve works, I tell you. The Valium definitely made me groggy once I took it, but it didn't let me sleep all night long peacefully. Partly, in part, because my husband was home and he tends to toss and turn the first night he's back, and the fact that he had to get up early this morning to take my daughter to his ship for a "Friends and Family Day" cruise that's happening today. But the sleep I DID get was good, and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was constantly thinking and worrying about things. I started to do that this morning though, but it was almost time for the next dose of Paxil. Not sure how it's affecting me today. Not sure if I'm feeling a tiny bit drowsy, or if it's just because I'm a little tired from not getting a good night's sleep. I think it might be the Paxil though.

I have such a low tolerance for medication that can "make you drowsy". If it says it might, it usually does for me. Hopefully my body will work better with it the longer I take it, because it's not functionable for me to be drowsy during the day. Not when I have to take care of two kids and work and take care of the house, you know?

Friends, Old Boyfriends, Escrow & Sanity

A few friends of mine were talking to each other today, and we got on the subject of old boyfriends. (How, I can't even tell you because we'll be talking about something, and then sort of change the subject, but not really and then somehow we end up on something TOTALLY different!)

We have been friends since high school and so I will tell you that just about EVERYTHING gets talked about at one point or another during our conversations. It's amazing some of the topics that come up, everything from decorating tips to premature ejaculation (oh, not any of our men NOW, previous guy, thank goodness for that person now! LOL!!)

They all have had guys from their past come back to them, either wanting to reconnect, just say hi or "stalk". Damn, I felt left out of that conversation, because that's NEVER happened to me! I mean, I guess I should be happy about that, I don't ever have any "blast from the past" coming back into my life when I don't want it, but then geez, was I THAT unimportant to all of them? Was I not that appealing? Did I scare the hell out of them? Hmmmmmm.......kind of makes me wonder.....

Of course hubby is sure mighty happy that that never HAS happened with me, because then he'd have to beat someone up, just because they were associated with me before him. Yes, yes, he does know I had a life before him, but to him, it just doesn't exist anymore. At least when it comes to the male population.

Escrow.............Escrow closed on my mom's house today. It's official. After 56 years of that house being in our family, it's now no longer a part of our life. I am hoping that when I go up there to visit family, that the new owners will let me see what they've done with the place.

Sanity............I think I am finally getting "ME" back. Today was a really good day. Switched meds last night and so I slept better, woke up NOT feeling stoned, was able to exercise, I'm coming back! Had to deal with a little anxiety today at one point, but I did really good with it. I'm even really thinking about going up to San Francisco next month to meet hubby in port! Now, if you know me, that's something I don't do. My excuse is always "We can't afford it", "We need to watch our money" "The girls are in school", etc.........

Well, since we closed escrow on the house and we will have the money for us to go up and meet him, I want to do it. I KNOW my mom would say, "GO! Go enjoy yourself! You deserve it!" So that's what I want to do.

Losing it.....

Sigh.......

What a week this has been for me!!

Yea, you know how in my last post I had such a nice relaxing day? Well, it all went downhill from there.

Shortly after dinner on that night I was invaded by ants on my kitchen counter. Let me just say that me and ants? Nu-uh. We don't mesh well. I kill ants. I admit it. I'm an ant killer.

So after about an hour of getting rid of them, finding out where they came from, caulking up the area so they couldn't get out, (Have caulk gun, will travel) sending a curse-filled email to my husband (who called me afterwards because he couldn't even think of anything to write back), I was okay. Or at least I thought I was......

Come Tuesday evening......

I'm just sitting on the couch, after dinner, thought I was taking it easy, but then I started having an uneasy feeling. I thought I was getting heartburn, so I took 2 Rolaids to help. Well, it didn't help. Took my blood pressure, it was up. Not good. Heartrate was up as well. Called the after hours help line. Talked to a doctor. Doctor thought I should go to the ER to get it checked out JUST TO MAKE SURE.....

Well, hubby had had NO sleep in the past 36 hours so I really felt he needed to get some sleep (he was already asleep by the time I had this and needed to go to the ER). So I called my friend to come and get me and the girls.

So we trekked down the ER all together, all the time I'm freaking out inside because I think I'm having a fucking heart attack, or something related to my heart. I have a family history on my father's side of heart disease.

Get down to the ER. Well, it was PACKED!! BUT.....when you tell a doctor or a nurse that you are having chest discomfort, you basically are shot to the front of the line. So in I went and got hooked up to monitors to do an EKG. The damn thing takes longer to set up than actually run the test! Did the EKG...................NO HEART ATTACK! Oh my goodness, thank the lord for that!!!!

Still.........

So I had to go back into the waiting room, back to the end of the line......

Okay, I was not having my friend wait around for me, while she had my girls. I asked her if she could take them to her house so they could all get some sleep. She agreed. What a friend, I tell you!! She's awesome. Actually all my friends are awesome, because I know they'd all do that for me. Do I know how to pick them or what?

So, got to wait around for about 2 hours or so (got to watch some TV inbetween dozing off in the chair) until they called me in. Got me in a bed, took blood and vitals and hooked me up to a machine to monitor me. Asked me lots of questions, and then basically left me alone for an hour or so. At that point I did doze off for a while. When they came back, they said that everything with my heart looked really good, so they seriously doubted it had anything to do with my heart. They basically think I just had really bad heartburn that was caused partly by anxiety and stress.

Anxiety and stress.......

Well, there you go. That I've had a lot of lately. And here I thought I was doing well this past week with hubby gone. Apparently not!

So it got me thinking......I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom's not around anymore. I don't have her to call when he's out to sea. I KNOW I'm freaking out about what could go wrong with the house while he's gone. Stress............anxiety..........and all that shit that goes with it.............

So they discharge me with some heartburn medication and then the doctor asks me if I'd like some Xanax. Um, okay.....that could probably help.......I was taking Buspar, but I guess that's not working anymore! (I stress about things, I worry a lot, I suffer from anxiety, I freely admit it)

Hubby comes to get me at the ER around 3:00 a.m. or so and we go home. Set the alarm to wake up at 6:30 so I can get my girls from my friend and get them off to school. Oh, and then my youngest starts crying at preschool because she doesn't want me to leave. I just want to go back home and sleep. I'm exhausted by this point. The teachers finally have to pry her away from me so I can leave (just about broke my heart though!) I called the school later though and they said she quit crying VERY shortly after that. Thank goodness!

Had hubby go get the youngest at preschool so I could sleep some more. Then I had my friend bring my eldest home from school so I could still relax some more.

Wednesday night.......took my first Xanax......

Thursday morning.............was a TOTAL ZOMBIE when I woke up! I could barely function!!! I was supposed to take my eldest and her friend to school, but there was no way I could drive! So my friend got them both and took them. I laid on the couch, gave my youngest a variety of foods to eat so I could doze off and it wasn't until about 11 a.m. or so that it started wearing off. Ummm.....okay, not taking THAT again! Or at least that much! Talked to the nurses line and they told me I could take a 1/2 dose. Okay, I'll do that, AT NIGHT! The doc originally had prescribed it for THREE TIMES A DAY! Um, okay, yea, can't do that and function with two children! Maybe if I were single, had no job and could stay in my house all day I could do that, but I don't think so......

Thursday night......took a 1/2 pill.....

Friday morning......woke up feeling stoned! Okay, apparently 1/2 pill isn't working that well either! But at least I was able to function for the most part.

Emailed with a friend of mine who told me to take the pill earlier in the evening and then by morning the effects should wear off.

Friday night......took the 1/2 pill again, but earlier.....went to bed around 9:30, woke up around 8:00 a.m. this morning....

Did not feel stoned. YEA! But still felt a tiny woozy. Okay, that does it, I'm cutting the pill in 1/2 again.......I see the doctor on Monday, so I should be good until then. Then I'm having doc give me something else. NOT Xanax. I do want to stop taking it, because I don't like the effects, but I know that I still have the uneasy feeling all week, partly from the anxiety attack, and worrying that it's going to happen again, and I need something to help me ease that feeling.

Plus the fact that when I was in the ER, they took a portable chest x-ray and then called me on Wednesday to tell me that when the radiologist looked at it, he thought he saw what MAY be a spot. A spot?! SHIT! So I went in on Thursday, got a two view chest x-ray done. I asked, "When will I get the results?" They tell me, "Well, you need to make a follow-up with your doctor." Shit.......

So that's mainly where the Monday doctor visit comes in. To get the results.

I ask the technician, "But what if there's something really wrong with it? Will they let me know before that?"

They tell me, "Oh, if there's something wrong, they'll contact your doctor, who in turn, will call you." Great. More waiting.

But the nurse did tell me that I shouldn't worry. My first x-ray was on a PORTABLE one, AND I was laying down. They couldn't get a good full view of my chest (which is semi-large), and who knows what was on or under that bed. Did make me feel better.....

But it's now Saturday morning, so it's been almost 48 hours since I got that chest x-ray and I have heard NOTHING. I'm taking that as a REALLY good sign. Plus given the fact that all my blood work came back great, not hinting of anything, I'm taking that as a good sign. I have to. If I keep worrying about it, I'm going to lose it again, and have to be placed on the Xanax 3 times a day to keep me in a zombie state so I don't think about it.

But yesterday was a really good day, in the afternoon. I took my eldest shopping for her birthday, and I felt better than I had in the previous days. So I think I'm coming to the end of the tunnel for now.

Busy day today though.....my eldest has a soccer game, then she's having two friends to spend the night over and we're going bowling. So I'll be busy, but not stressful. And that's a good thing.......

A Mostly Labor "Free" Day

Today was a pretty nice day today! For the most part, it was actually relaxing for me, which is something I felt I really haven't had in quite a while.

Last week was the first week of school, so major hectic going on there. Plus it was the first week that hubby went out to sea (he's home now for a week or so), so I was on my own, and it was the first week he was out to sea, that I didn't have my mom to call and take care of me (even if it was just hearing her voice, and having her listen to me ramble). Let's just say last week wasn't the best for me.

Today was nice. Actually, last night was nice too. I went over to my friend, Lynda's house where we gathered to have a going away party for our friend, Nancy, who is moving across country. :( We all used to get together and scrapbook a lot, and now it's not so much, but when we do get together we have a blast. It's my "getaway time", where I don't have to be a mom, I can cuss all I want and not have worry if my children heard me, it's just being with friends. Because let me tell you, everyone needs to have time away from their children. To not to have to take care of someone all the time, to rejuvenate, to preserve your sanity. Even when I get to be alone with hubby, that helps too, but we don't get to do that as often, but we need to make more time for it. We were going to have our "date" next month when we went to my reunion, but he'll be out to sea for that, so we can't have that. :( Having two kids, on a tight budget and not being able to go out just the two of us can suck. ::::::::::::::stupid gas prices and everything else raising their prices::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So anyway, back to today. Took the girls shopping with me in the morning, and for the most part they were pretty good. Then we went to Lynda's house to go swimming. LOVE, LOVE your pool Lynda!! That was SO nice and relaxing! Being out in the hot sun, but being in a pool to cool you off and to relax. That is what I needed. That is what I would LOVE to have here at our house! A pool. Damn, wouldn't that be nice? Well, maybe someday.

So I'm back at home, back to the grind, making dinner, then it's back to the old routine. Get the girls bathed, get lunches ready for tomorrow, get them to bed, maybe have an hour to myself, and then off to bed for me. And tomorrow, back to the reality of life............

A Slave To Fashion

......whatever fashion that may be.

My preteen came to me tonight and said, "How come everytime I think I've got the "hip" style, and then I go back to school, and everyone's wearing something different?"

Sigh.....................

Not that I'm sighing because of "oh geez, come on now", but it's because I've been there. Oh so many times!

SOOOO many fashion trends happened when I was growing up. The dittos in every color, the designer jeans, the 501 levis with the polo shirts. The bermuda shorts (which apparently are back in fashion?), the "flashdance look" (which my mom liked, because it was CHEAP!, The GUESS look, etc.

Thank goodness I never wore the "leggings under the mini skirt", although my sisters did. And apparently THAT'S back in fashion too! Come on people, can you NOT find anything NEW? Oh, and the skulls on things too! SOOOOO Melrose Avenue back in the 80's! My preteen wants to get a pair of slip-on Vans with those in pink. OH......MY..........GOD.......... Slip on Vans???!!!! That was SOOOOOO Fast Times At Ridgement High!! So now I need to go talk to her principal and see if the "skulls" are allowed at school (you never know nowadays, with the rules the schools have.

My preteen said she wishes she could find a "fashon trend" that everyone else would like and catch on to, as well. Yes, I know that feeling..........

I remember it all too well. I was lucky if I had one "COOL" outfit. (I did actually have more, a few, but certainly not as many as all my friends had) My mom was a single parent. She worked to support THREE girls. There wasn't much left over. When Christmas and birthdays came, she would let the family know what "type" of clothes I wanted. One year when the "designer jeans" phase was in, everyone got me one pair of jeans, so I would be able to have some like the rest of the crowd. That was awesome that they did that for me. Yea, of course the following year THAT phase was gone!

Okay my preteen ISN'T EVEN A TEENAGER YET and she's already going through this!! What, will my preschooler start doing this when she gets into 1st grade or something??? Shit!

I did tell my preteen though, before school started, that she shouldn't worry about getting too many clothes before school, because you never know what the "fashion trend" is going to be. And, apparently, I was right. Well, I knew about the leggings and skirt thing, but I had no idea about the bermuda shorts and slip on Vans! (Although I did see my 18 year old cousin wearing them, so I probably should have paid more attention to that)

The thing is, is that I'm not upset with my child about wanting the latest trends because I went through the same thing. I know what she's going through. But I did tell her that she needs to be comfortable in the style she's wearing too. She can't just wear something JUST because it's in style. If she doesn't like the way it looks (or I like the way it looks, more importantly), she shouldn't wear it.

Then she also asked me why can't we just go out and buy clothes wheneve we feel like it, like some of the other girls at school? Sigh......... Yes, it happened.......now have to deal with the "sorry honey, we just don't make THAT much money." If we go to a semi-expensive store (okay, because sorry honey, not shopping at Macy's, Nordstrom, or the like unless they're having an AWESOME clearance sale), it's the clearance racks. Or it's got to be on sale. What I would love to do though is go to L.A. and find some really cool hip clothing that no one else has worn yet, so Cheyenne could wear it. Maybe I should talk to some of my friends up there or my sister too, and see what they would pick out.

So anyone out there still have their 80's fashions they want to donate to my preteen in the meantime? I got rid of all my chunky beady necklaces and my gazillion bracelets. (Yes, I wore them all on one wrist like Madonna did in her early days. I could knock someone out if I hit them with that hand!) I do have a couple of pins though!

PRE.....

3 females in a house? Yea, you're bound to have a bevy of emotions going on. Especially when you've got a mom, who's husband is out to sea right now and doing this all alone, a pre-teen girl who can freak out if you even talk in a different tone of voice, and a preschooler who, let's face it, can be a tad spoiled sometimes, and I think already suffers from PMS.

This morning started out O...Kay......

I had to wake up the preteen. Oh yea, that's a feat in itself! She HAS an alarm clock! But the girl can sometimes just sleep right through it! Either that or she's just waits for it to stop beeping and goes back to sleep (I really think she inherited this from her daddy). So, if I'm in a decent mood, I'll do annoying little things to get her out of bed. For example.....this morning I just kept poking at her shoulder until she moved. Then I started talking about how she probably has to go to the bathroom REEEEEAAAAALLLL bad, and then would start tickling her stomach. Other times I'll pretend she's a puppet and make her mouth move and I would be her "ventriliquist" and make her say things. Other times I would try and wake her up with a sweet voice, give her butterfly kisses etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, and I get impatient I pull the covers off her and drag her butt out of bed by her feet. A combination of just about everything happened this morning. She was having some "issues" with her hair being "just right", but at least it was minor (THANK THE LORD!)

The preschooler? I think it was a PMS day today. There are times when she'll just yell and scream about something, and you know what? It can literally be exhausting to me! It just drains the life out of me. Do I cave in? Sadly yes, sometimes I do. I just don't want to hear it! And I think she knows it. But I did REAL good this afternoon in the car. She wasn't listening to me, and I told her she was getting a time out when we got home. She kept on about "Noooooooo, Mommmy, I don't waaaaaaaaaant tooooooooooo" I stuck to my guns and when we got home, in her room she went. Of course now she's been in there for over a 1/2 hour. Her timeout is finished, but she's enjoying herself and being quiet in there, and sometimes really, that's what she needs.

Oh! And speaking of the preschooler today, we were at my work and she went and had her daily conversation with my boss. Guess what she talked out? Her day at preschool yesterday! I BARELY got anything out of her when I asked her yesterday, but today she just waltzes in to his office and divulged a bevy of information! I found out more from him that I did her! Geez!

And me, the premenopausal mom (I wonder if it may be coming in the next few years), I'm in a pissy mood because I think I'm going to probably be having to deal with a mom at the preteen's school that I am sick of dealing with (nothing like worrying about what's going to happen next, eh?). That and the preschooler who is emotional today, Oh, and the preteen too.......

So, back to this car ride home......the preschooler was in a tizzy, the preteen was trying to be bossy to the preschooler, and this PREmenopausal mom was saying to herself, "WHEN is he coming home????? You mean I have to deal with this for SIX months next year without him?" Damn, I'm going to have people on speed dial next year and probably offer to clean their houses if they'll take the kids for a while! (Actually, no, I probably wouldn't do that, because I hate cleaning, but I'll wash their cat for them!)

All I can say, is God help my husband when the 3 of us end up having our periods together! (Although hopefully when the preschooler gets old enough, I'll have gone through menopause, and not be IN it)

I am home ALONE!

Wow, I am home, here in my house, alone! (Well, the cat, the hamster and fish are here too).

Today is the first day of school for BOTH my girls!

Took the eldest to school, went to the classroom and the teacher wasn't letting any of the parents in (which is fine, my god, they're in sixth grade now, for goodness sake), but my little on sneaked inbetween the teacher and the door to say goodbye to her sister, so I had to go in to get her back.

Then it was off to my youngest's school. She's in preschool. Once she got there, all she cared about was going to play out back and play with the basketball. Oh, and she had to go potty too. Didn't cling onto me at all. None whatsoever. Barely gave me a look goodbye. I had to call her over so she would give me a kiss goodbye. Well, I guess that's a good thing though, right?

So now I am here at home. I don't have to leave this house for a couple of hours. So I should be cleaning my house up. What am I doing? Sitting here on the computer. Will I clean? Hmmmmmmm..............................maybe................I probably should.........................it's not good to procrastinate you know..................................we'll see...................................................

Summer Vacation is Winding Down......

.......and then things will be going full speed next week!

Both my girls start school next week. Yes, both of them. One will be in sixth grade, and my little one will be starting preschool, going 3 days a week. I'm so excited, yet, I know I'm going to be busy too!

My little one will still come to work with me about 1 1/2 days during the week, but that's now about 1/2 of what she used to do. Don't get me wrong, I actually DO love having her come to work with me. She has since day one. My boss bought me one of those Happy Camper bed things, so I could have a crib in my office for her. He had originally made the suggestion back when I was pregnant with my first child, but we were leaving the state not too long after she was born, so I had to quit then. But thankfully, I was able to come back to work for him once we came back here. So when I got pregnant with my little one, I told him I was taking him up on his offer he made those years back. She has been affectionately called the "Office Mascot" (I even got a gag gift at the last Christmas party, called "Jordan Spice"). I have a gate in my doorway so she can't just wander around the office, she has to stay in mine. But she loves my boss. Whenever she gets the chance, she'll go in his office and pull up a chair and sit next to him and tell him about her day. I think it's so wonderful and lucky for me that I have a boss like that.

So anyway, I will have one morning to myself, which is something I'll desperately need. My husband is in the Navy and will be shipping out soon. He'll be doing short little trips for now, but next year is the six monther. Sigh........ I really, really don't like them at all. I miss him. The girls will miss him. BUT, it's something we deal with. We just do. I married a Navy man. I married a Navy CAREER man. It's something that's been a part of my life for over 14 years now. And that day when we see him come off the ship and run and hug is SUCH a wonderful day!! Here's a picture of my oldest hugging him when he came off the ship a few years ago....

It just brought tears to my eyes when she ran up to him!!

I'll be mostly a single parent for a while now. So you can see why I'd be excited! While I love my children dearly, having them in school DEFINITELY helps me!

Then we'll also have soccer practice, games on Saturdays, school functions, etc........

Okay, maybe Summer Vacation isn't so bad.......

I have this friend who homeschools her 5 children. Yes, you heard me right, FIVE children. Her husband USED to be in the Navy and so there were times she had to do it alone too, with FIVE children. She has amazing strength, faith and endurance to do that by herself. Oh, I know she has a circle of friends and family too, but still she did the single parent thing for quite a while by herself. She's definitely someone I admire who can do that, and still be sane!

So I guess it's time to dust off that "Ubermom" hat and start wearing it again, and get back in the groove..........

Well, at least not for a couple more days............

The Age of 18-ism

First let me start off by saying that I have a very unique relationship with my sister and my cousin. My sister is exactly 10 years younger than me, and my cousin is exactly 20 years younger than me. There's something about that "exactly 10 years apart" between the 3 of us, that makes it a special relationship between the 3 of us (at least for me, that is...)

I look at my sister and the things she goes through, or does, and it so reminds me of when I was THAT age. There are so many things she has done that I've done too, when I was her age. Oh god, don't you just hate saying that, "When I was your age". It sounds so old. Can't se come up with another phrase for that? I'm feeling like I need to get my walker out, or go buy one! Geez, I'm ONLY 38!

So anyway, my cousin is, yes, you guessed it, 18. The era of FINALLY becoming an adult. The age of "Yes, I'm an adult, so I can do whatever I want" "I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do". Does it stop at 18? Hell no, we have this "I know everything and you are stupid" attitude towards our parents until we are in our mid-20's. It's something we all go through. Whether we admit it or not, voice it to others or not, it happens. And of course we DEFINITELY won't admit it while we're going through it because, hell, that would mean that we DON'T know what we're doing, and that's just not true. Even if we DO know that we don't always know what we're doing, we don't want to admit it. We just want our parents to fix things when we tell them to. We would have to admit that we DO need our moms. We'd have to admit that "Damn, we were acting like a bitch to our moms" Now, maybe some girls don't go through this as severe, which, god I hope so, because I'm NOT looking forward to it when my girls get to be that age.

And really, you DON'T realize what you're doing, and how you're treating them at that age. Because it's just something that happens. It's so normal (at least in my case, and that's all I'm saying...). Just because you've gone through puberty doesn't mean that the hormones aren't still raging out of control. Plus there's that gray area in which your mom still wants you to be that little girl, but wants you to be grown up as well. It's a hard adjustment for all.

I look back now, I and I think, damn, I was so mean to my mom in some of the things I said. (Not that I EVER cussed her out or anything like that, just had this attitude that was like, "Mom, I'm an adult now, I can handle it myself. I'm in this world of things that you aren't and you couldn't possibly know what I'm going through, or understand it)

Of course it wasn't always like that. There were times that I would have really cool conversations with my mom. There was this one time......

My mom and I were sitting in the living room, having a beer and talking one time Yes, I was 18. I actually had a mom who would let me drink with her. No, we weren't white trash, she just remembered when she was that age, and didn't want to be a hypocrite. It was nice, it was civil. She had some things she wanted to tell me, now that I was 18. She told me that twice, before I was conceived, when she was in her early 20's, she had gotten pregnant and her parents had forced her to give the baby up for adoption. She was 22 and 24, I think. This was back in the early 60's. She wasn't part of the hippie movement though. That was SUCH a shock! She said she wanted me to know, in case they ever came to the door looking for her, their "birth mom". She wanted to let me know that she had done drugs in the past. She had even done Angel Dust once. HELLOOO??!!!! Okay, total shocker, never knew my mom did THAT?! She didn't seem the type. See that's the things with us moms. We DID do things in the past. Doesn't mean we do it now, but sometimes even moms screw up, and good ones at that. Then she told me that if I ever wanted to do drugs, to ask my Uncle, and he'd do them with me. Ummmmm.....okay, yea, like THAT was going to happen. "Ummmm, Uncle? I'd like to try some heroin, would you do it with me?" Not that I ever TRIED heroin, NO WAY. Uh-uh. Not going to happen, didn't happen, never going to happen.

Then she started asking me questions.

Was I a virgin?

No mom, I'm not.

Was it with so and so?

No mom, it wasn't.

Have you ever tried drugs?

Yes mom, I tried a couple, but I didn't care for them, and one has such a weird effect on me, that I don't want to do them again. (It WAS an open and honest relationship, but that didn't mean I was going to give out ALL the details, I was 18, after all.....)

Okay, you get the gist of the conversation, now, don't you? When I look back on it now though, it was such an awesome conversation. So open and honest. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll (okay so we didn't talk about rock 'n roll, but it sounds good, doesn't it?). Did I stop my "attitude" with her? Yea, no. Didn't happen. Not for a few years. But I WISH I knew what I was doing. I WISH I realized what I was doing and could have stopped it. We moms don't deserve that, but we do put up with it, because we remember. We remember what WE did, and we remember that we DO get out of that phase. I remember when my sister was that way to our mom. There were times I wanted to smack her upside the head and tell her to stop it. But I didn't. I remember that I did it. And my mom did too. She mostly just rolled her eyes at the whole thing, and didn't take it to heart. She knew. She knew it was just a phase. She knew she had raised us well. And it was a phase. My sister did get over it.

Now, the cycle is starting again. My cousin. She's 18. But maybe, just maybe, if she knew that her mom does understand, or knew that we "elders" do get it, it might help? That if she's going through something she doesn't quite understand, that some one else, someone in her family does? I can hope.......

18 is SUCH an awesome age, but it's also such a a turmoil age too. Would I want to be 18 again? Uh, yea, no thank you. With age comes wisdom. I don't want to think I know everything, when there is so much that's going to happen. Give me a break. I'm 38. I KNOW everything now! (Yea, that's what I keep telling myself, just keep saying that, maybe it'll be true when I'm 88).......................