Memories - Coming Home

My husband will be coming home very soon, after being out to sea for 5 weeks. We are all very excited to see him. He's on his 3rd tour (not in a row, mind you) of sea duty, which mean he'll be going in and out to sea for about 3 years.

Which brings me back to the first time he came back from being out to sea for six months.

We had gotten married a week before he left for his six month deployment (no, I was not pregnant), and so, as you can imagine, I was very excited for him to come back!

Back then, there were only men on the ship, so as the carrier was pulling into port, it was playing "They Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy.

The sailors were up on the flight deck manning the rails.

I'm on the pier, trying to scan every single man up on that flight deck, hoping I can see him. Yea, unless you have a good set of binoculars, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

My in-laws were there with me, along with his aunts and uncles too, waiting with anticpation to greet him again. I just wanted my husband home. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to take him back to our apartment I had gotten for us while he was deployed.

Finally, the carrier docks.

Then it takes a good 1/2 hour or so for them to get the stairs ready so the men can come off the ship.

Now let me tell you something about how they let them off the ship. The men who's wives had babies while they were deployed get to get off first, along with the senior staff of the ship. Back then, my husband was pretty far down low on the pay grade scale, considering he had just joined, so it was going to be a while.

While searching for him, I saw a friend of ours who had already gotten off (he was one of the new daddies) and asked him, "Where is he?" And he said he had seen him back a little ways.

So I go walking back to where my in-laws where and then all of the sudden, my husband comes up from behind me and grabs me. I screamed so loud! He swung me around and then we were hugging and kissing and crying because we were so happy to see each other!

My husband's dad was able to get us in mid-hug........




Awwwww.........




That was over 13 years ago.



Sometime next year we'll do this long deployment again for the sixth time.

Just A Little Weird Thing....

Cutting yourself shaving hurts. It's that annoying sharp pain, and you're like, Damn!

Okay, it hurts even worse when you do it on your underarms! I swear, in the twenty-some odd years I've been shaving I don't ever remember cutting myself shaving my armpits!!

Just one of those weird things to share.....

Love Thursday......YUMMY!

Chocolate Chip Cookies.............Yummy!!!!!

Memories Monday - Sharing A Room

My eldest has her own room. She's always had her own room. Even when my youngest was born and we lived in a two bedroom place, she still had her own room because the baby was in our room and we bought a house when she was 3 months, so she still got to have her own room.

I remind her of that constantly. That she's lucky to have her own room. We're in the process of "re-doing" her room, because she saw a friend of her's room and now she wants to change it. Well, because she can be flighty like that, I told her that we're not painting her room. I'll just do accessories, and only ones I can find on sale too.

Anyway, that brings me to me. Growing up I did have my own room.....that is until I was 6 and my first younger sister was born. Then, 4 years later, my youngest sister was born and then I had to share a room with TWO sisters!

(a bit of history here......my mom was a single mom with ROTTEN luck in men, and raised her 3 girls by herself, we grew up in a one bedroom duplex. My mom slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room)

There was a point when I was in 5th grade or so, and I wanted my own room SOOO bad, that my mom (bless her heart) converted our dining room part of the kitchen into a little bedroom for me (I think she put the dining room table in the living room?). But that didn't last long, I didn't like being in there.

Come junior high and high school, my youngest sister is getting older, getting too big for the crib, so my mom has to come up with a different solution for the 3 of us in that room. So we kept the trundle bed we had (for my youngest sister) and got me and my younger sister bunkbeds. I was actually SO excited to get these bunkbeds! It had a dresser and even a little closet too. I finally go to have something that was all MINE in that room. I got the closet. I was hoping to get all of the dresser drawers in the dresser too, but my sister got to have two of them.

I, of course, got the top bunk. I loved it. It was my own little haven. My mom put a shelf up there on the wall for "my stuff". I put my posters up there. I had Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, Madonna posters up there and many more.

When you have to share a room with siblings, it just is SO nice to have your own "nook" of the room all to yourself.

I was ALWAYS jealous of my friends, because they all had their own rooms. They also were all only children too, so they didn't even have to worry about sharing a room. One of my friends even had a 1/2 bath attached to her bedroom, which made me even MORE envious!

But you know what? If any of them thought any different of me, they sure didn't show it. They didn't mind coming over to my house to my room. My mom was good though about letting me have the room to myself sometimes when I had friends over, she knew it was special for me. Plus my mom was a "cool" mom too.

I did finally get my own room, when I moved out on my own! LOL!! But you know what? I didn't even care to be in it all that much! When I moved out, I had no bedroom furniture at all! My mom let me take this closet thingy that had wire baskets and that was my dresser. A plastic table was my nightstand, and I bought a mattress from my mom's neighbor for $25.

Eventually, when I moved in with another friend a year later, things got better. I bought a dresser and nightstand from a friend of mine. I was in HEAVEN with the dresser and nightstand! FINALLY! I had my OWN! And it was a real dresser and nightstand, not a converted one. An older sister of mine gave me her queen sized bed, with a frame for the mattress too! No more mattress on the floor! I did enjoy being in my room then.

Now I don't have my own room, but I sure don't mind it at all. I'd much rather share my bedroom with hubby than have one all to myself. :)

Love Thursday of a New Sister

My oldest was SO excited to have a baby sister! When I was delivering her baby sister, she was outside the waiting room and was such a ball of excitement, she could hardly contain herself.

Here they are together and you can see how happy my eldest is to have her sister and how much she loves her.

You can read and see more Love Thursday posts here at Love Is All Around and Chookooloonks

Memories of Me Monday

My youngest can talk a person's ear off if she knows them well enough. She will talk and talk and talk and talk. Which reminds me of something my grandma said to me once. She told me that I used to talk and talk like that when I was little. We would be shopping, or standing in line and I would just talk non-stop. Of course I don't remember that, since I was so little. But I do have "semi" proof of it. On my 1st grade report card, the teacher made a notation that I was very talkative in class. Not so much talkative as to interrupt class constantly, but very vocal in answering questions, asking questions, etc.

All of that changed though, when I got into 2nd grade. See, we moved and I had to go to a different school. New school, new people, new teacher.....I suddenly became shy.

And I think I was that way for a long time. Of course when I was around my friends, I wasn't shy at all. In fact, when we all started liking boys in junior high and high school, I would be the first one to go tell the boy that so and so liked them (ONLY if they asked me to do that).

In high school, I don't think I would consider myself shy, I mean I would talk to people and such, but when it came to talking to a boy I liked, forget about it! I would NOT make the first move. Even if he made the first move and talked to me, I still would have trouble making conversation at first.

It wasn't until I got out of high school and worked at Contempo Casuals (remember that store?), and I was the cashier, so I HAD to talk to the customers. I still was never Chatty Cathy, by any means, but it definitely helped me!

Also, when I moved out on my own with my friend, we had guy neighbors downstairs from us, and I became friends with them and being around guys more, helped me to talk to guys a lot more.

And so then came the night that I met my future husband. I certainly didn't know it at the time though. I actually initiated the conversation with him.

I've come a long way baby!

Love Thursday, Back to the 1940's

This picture was taken circa 1940.

That's my great-grandpa Owen on the far left. My grandpa John is right next to him cracking up, and his two brothers are next to him, Ken and Newt.

I love this picture SO MUCH! Even though my grandpa Owen has, what looks like, a solemn look on his face, it's actually a "I'm a proud dad and look at my three handsome sons next to me". He LOVED his children SO incredibly much! And you can tell his three sons are having the time of their lives.

I'm still researching, by talking to family, as to why the picture was taken. Even if I don't find out, I still love it.

And what a better picture to represent the 1940's, eh? Four men in suits, hats and smoking cigars!

Nothing says love better than family being together enjoying themselves.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday.

In honor of her, I am making the tacos she used to make for us when we were growing up.

I make these tacos only once a year, October 11th.

I love you and I miss you terribly Mom!!!!

Kiss The Girls And Kick The Cat.....

That has been my husband's "sign off" in his latest e-mails.

He's out to sea right now and so the only way we can communicate is via e-mails. But thank goodness for e-mail!!! When we first got married, he left a week later for six months. Other than calling me when he got into a port, the only other way we communicated was through regular snail mail. Sometimes it would be weeks before I received a letter and then I would get like ten of them all at once, and sometimes they were out of order too.

Nowadays we can talk to each other via e-mail and carry on conversations to the point of almost instant messaging. I can send him pictures, short movies of the girls, etc.

Gotta love technology!!!!

Oh, and as for the "kick the cat" part, well, let's just say we have a wild cat. We've nicknamed her the "Vampire Cat". She's only a kitten still, born around July 1st, but we'll be walking down the hallway and she'll come up behind us and start attacking our feet and legs! WHILE we're walking!! It's a rare moment that she'll let us just hold and pet her. She lets me hold her more than she'll let anyone else though. We can't even let her in the bedroom at night because we'll get no sleep! She'll just attack at will, if she's awake.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to stock up on bandaids.........

It's a Love Thursday Again!

This picture was taken when my eldest was almost 4 years old. My mom had come down to visit. They were on the back patio playing and I was inside. I saw them sitting there, leaning against the back patio door and I just had to take this picture.

My mom just LOVED to watch her granddaughters. She loved to sit and talk with them, listen to them and just enjoy them. She didn’t have to take them on special trips, buy them special presents, she was just there.

My mom and my eldest had SUCH a special relationship between them. Even though it’s been almost two years since my mom passed away, it’s still hard on her. And me too……

I framed this picture and gave it to my mom for a present one year. It’s now in my eldest’s bedroom.

What A Day!!!!

I'm telling you, my youngest had better adjust to Daddy being gone soon!!! It is SOOO trying for me!!

I am trying to be as patient and understanding as possible, but still, she's got to listen!

Okay, yea, so I am PMSing, so what! So maybe it's making me a little bit more short tempered than normal. Too bad! Bite me baby!

So watch, she adjusts about a week before he returns from being out to sea. Then she has to adjust all over again when he's home? I sure hope not!!

Is it bedtime yet?

The Baking Torch Has Been Passed Down....

My eldest asked if she could bake some chocolate chip cookies all by herself today.

She has helped me in the past, but has never used the mixer. But I thought, hey, why not?

So I allowed her. She's almost done with her cookies and she has done a fabulous job! She followed the recipe, used the mixer just fine and is even using the oven by herself too! Of course I am here to supervise, no way is she allowed to use it without me being here.

But I am SO proud of her!!! I have always loved baking, whether it's cookies or cakes. I'm so glad she likes doing it too!

So it looks like I won't be getting to bake cookies that often anymore! Not that I did it that much anyway, but I have a feeling that everytime I do need to make them, she'll want to. It's okay. I know my mom let me do it when I wanted to as well. :)

At least I got to make bread by myself today. :D

Another Update on ME

It's Saturday.

It's now been a week and a good week at that! There was only one major instance that I can think of where I got very emotional, and that's when our dog put a claw mark or two on the front door. See, we just got this dog. He was my aunt's, but she is moving to Kentucky :::::Sniff, sniff::::::::, and had to give him up. We offered to take him. He REALLY is a good dog, but he's a people dog. The dog won't even go outside to pee unless someone is outside with him. He much rather likes being inside with everyone. So when we are gone, we still leave him inside because he has gone through two screen doors out back. I mean he will literally take the screen door DOWN! So I talked to hubby about it that day and I was so worried that he was going to get mad at me, if for some reason, it didn't work out. He told me that my mental health was FAR more important than a pet. Gotta love this man!!!! So now we're just taking it day by day with doggie and we'll see. If he continues to claw at the door (hey, we DO eventually need a new door anyway, the guy who put it up before we bought this house shaved too much off the door and there are some "heat escaping, a/c escaping" gaps between the door and the jam), we'll put him outside and if he can't handle being outside without ruining doors, he'll have to be put on a chain while we're gone. I really don't want to do that, and that will be the last resort. So I do hope that he gets better about being inside. If there's a reason that I would have to be gone ALL day, obviously I'd have to put him outside.

Also, hubby left ::::sniff, sniff::::::::::::.

He'll be gone a month. (He's in the Navy) We are definitely missing him already! But I'm taking it one day at a time, because if I really think about how long he'll be gone, I think I will have a big anxiety attack. My preschooler had a hard time with it yesterday. She cried when I left her at preschool, cried just before I picked her up and was VERY antsy about going to bed last night. She can be a very emotional child. (Hmmmmmmm.......wonder where she gets THAT from???) So I'm just plugging along every day, doing the norm....

I was very productive yesterday, paid bills, balanced checkbook, went to Costco, etc.

It's the start of a busy weekend! My eldest has a soccer game today and then we have errands to run and I have to sweep and vaccuum this house before the dog hair takes it over! Oh, and I need a new vaccuum bad. I don't think mine can take it much longer. Poor vaccuum, it's been so good to me too........

So as you can tell by my post, I am doing MUCH better! Have settled into my meds just fine now, I'm sleeping better (part in thanks to some Benadryl), and I seem to "feel" ME most of the time again too.

Which is a good thing. I missed me.

Love Thursday

Here is a picture of a man who time and time again makes me realize what a truly lucky woman I am.....

On The Mend....

Sigh.....

What an exhausting time these last 3 weeks have been.

Panic Attacks every day.....

Trying different meds here and there.......

Not fun.......

At least now I'm back on what I was on before the Panic/Anxiety Attacks happened. Back on the Buspar.

Just a higher dose.....

Psychiatrist says to stick with what my body has tolerated in the past......

Now just need to see a psychiatrist to monitor meds and a psychologist to monitor my psyche!

Actually I have seen a psychologist. Saw him on Thursday.

What an AMAZING amount of questions he asked. Some were so personal!! But, you know what? I'll answer them if they are going to help me get better and get over this.

A couple of people have asked if maybe this is a delayed reaction to my mom's death. I think it quite possibly could be.

Psychologist wants to make sure I don't lean towards agoraphobia more than I started to. He wants me to push through it, if I have a panic attack, don't freeze up. Go places. Push through it.

I got my first dose of that on Thursday after I saw him.

Had to pick up my daughter from school.

Hadn't picked her up in over a week when I think I had had a panic attack picking her up one day.

I literally cried on the phone to my friend and my boss driving around to make it to her school. How crazy is that? Those internal fears can just literally stop you in your tracks. Make you scared of something that is something you normally do every day! Scary shit, I tell you!

But I did it! I pushed through. I remembered things my doctor told me. It helped. Boy did it help.

I was given Ambien to help me sleep, but on Friday night when I was going to take it, I got so afraid that I was going to be so groggy the next day (drowsy medications seem to have a much deeper effect on me) that I decided not to take it. I don't want to be dependent on something to help me sleep. Another thing I need to push through.

I talked to my aunt yesterday and she was telling me how strong she always thought I was. Well, yea, when I have to be the strong one, I usually am. But maybe it was being too strong too much that made me not be able to. Maybe because my mom always was there for me that helped me to be strong. I don't know. I just started therapy, so I don't have all the answers and I don't want to analyze it too much right now.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

That's what I need to focus on.

Keep moving.

Keep doing what I've normally done.

Don't sit and think and analyze my psyche. That's what the psychologist is there for. He can do it for me. He can tell me what's wrong. He can help me to fix it.

I've got my friends and family that I can talk to and lean on for support. It's my turn to get the support. And that's what I'm going to do.

Update on New Meds

Well, shortly after posting the previous post, I got incredibly drowsy. So drowsy in fact that I was on the couch most of the day! The only time I wasn't on the couch was when a friend of mine took me to the ER, because the nurse's line suggested that I go, because she was worried that I was too drowsy.

So the doctors think it could be a combination of the Valium (hello, I took 1.25 mg, I'm such a wuss!) and the Paxil. So they told me to cut the Paxil in 1/2 and take 2.5 mg of that at night and 2.5 mg in the morning, and NO Valium.

I sure hope this works! I'm getting sick of either being too doped up or having too much anxiety! Not a good thing for my family or my household!

It's now been 12 hours since I took the last Paxil and I'm STILL feeling dopey and drugged! Good god man, I sure can't tolerate this shit!

New Meds

Went back to the doctor yesterday to talk about getting on new medication for the anxiety attacks. I was having them every day for the past few days and I didn't think the Buspar was working all that well. I had talked to a friend of mine who suggested I get on Paxil, but the time-released pill. She said it did wonders for her.

So off I went to the doctor to talk to her about it. As luck would have it (which is a weird thing to say), I was right in the middle of an anxiety attack. I was able to describe to her EVERYTHING that was happening to me at that moment. It's weird to say, because even though I didn't WANT to be having an anxiety attack, because it was happening, I was able to more accurately describe my symptoms. Sometimes when you've had something happen to you, it's not always easy to remember EVERYTHING, you know?

So she put me on Paxil. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't carry the time-released version (which is weird, because you think they would, you know?). So she put me on the lowest dose and had me cut THAT in 1/2 and take 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night. THEN!, she gave me some Valium too! She gave me the lowest dosage there (5 mg, I think) and had me cut that into QUARTERS! Plus she only wanted me to take that at night to help me get a good night's sleep for the first few days until the Paxil really kicks in.

I took the Paxil last night and I swear, I could feel it working within an hour. Now, maybe it was just my subconcious, like a placebo effect, doing it. Hey man, whateve works, I tell you. The Valium definitely made me groggy once I took it, but it didn't let me sleep all night long peacefully. Partly, in part, because my husband was home and he tends to toss and turn the first night he's back, and the fact that he had to get up early this morning to take my daughter to his ship for a "Friends and Family Day" cruise that's happening today. But the sleep I DID get was good, and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was constantly thinking and worrying about things. I started to do that this morning though, but it was almost time for the next dose of Paxil. Not sure how it's affecting me today. Not sure if I'm feeling a tiny bit drowsy, or if it's just because I'm a little tired from not getting a good night's sleep. I think it might be the Paxil though.

I have such a low tolerance for medication that can "make you drowsy". If it says it might, it usually does for me. Hopefully my body will work better with it the longer I take it, because it's not functionable for me to be drowsy during the day. Not when I have to take care of two kids and work and take care of the house, you know?

Friends, Old Boyfriends, Escrow & Sanity

A few friends of mine were talking to each other today, and we got on the subject of old boyfriends. (How, I can't even tell you because we'll be talking about something, and then sort of change the subject, but not really and then somehow we end up on something TOTALLY different!)

We have been friends since high school and so I will tell you that just about EVERYTHING gets talked about at one point or another during our conversations. It's amazing some of the topics that come up, everything from decorating tips to premature ejaculation (oh, not any of our men NOW, previous guy, thank goodness for that person now! LOL!!)

They all have had guys from their past come back to them, either wanting to reconnect, just say hi or "stalk". Damn, I felt left out of that conversation, because that's NEVER happened to me! I mean, I guess I should be happy about that, I don't ever have any "blast from the past" coming back into my life when I don't want it, but then geez, was I THAT unimportant to all of them? Was I not that appealing? Did I scare the hell out of them? Hmmmmmm.......kind of makes me wonder.....

Of course hubby is sure mighty happy that that never HAS happened with me, because then he'd have to beat someone up, just because they were associated with me before him. Yes, yes, he does know I had a life before him, but to him, it just doesn't exist anymore. At least when it comes to the male population.

Escrow.............Escrow closed on my mom's house today. It's official. After 56 years of that house being in our family, it's now no longer a part of our life. I am hoping that when I go up there to visit family, that the new owners will let me see what they've done with the place.

Sanity............I think I am finally getting "ME" back. Today was a really good day. Switched meds last night and so I slept better, woke up NOT feeling stoned, was able to exercise, I'm coming back! Had to deal with a little anxiety today at one point, but I did really good with it. I'm even really thinking about going up to San Francisco next month to meet hubby in port! Now, if you know me, that's something I don't do. My excuse is always "We can't afford it", "We need to watch our money" "The girls are in school", etc.........

Well, since we closed escrow on the house and we will have the money for us to go up and meet him, I want to do it. I KNOW my mom would say, "GO! Go enjoy yourself! You deserve it!" So that's what I want to do.

Losing it.....

Sigh.......

What a week this has been for me!!

Yea, you know how in my last post I had such a nice relaxing day? Well, it all went downhill from there.

Shortly after dinner on that night I was invaded by ants on my kitchen counter. Let me just say that me and ants? Nu-uh. We don't mesh well. I kill ants. I admit it. I'm an ant killer.

So after about an hour of getting rid of them, finding out where they came from, caulking up the area so they couldn't get out, (Have caulk gun, will travel) sending a curse-filled email to my husband (who called me afterwards because he couldn't even think of anything to write back), I was okay. Or at least I thought I was......

Come Tuesday evening......

I'm just sitting on the couch, after dinner, thought I was taking it easy, but then I started having an uneasy feeling. I thought I was getting heartburn, so I took 2 Rolaids to help. Well, it didn't help. Took my blood pressure, it was up. Not good. Heartrate was up as well. Called the after hours help line. Talked to a doctor. Doctor thought I should go to the ER to get it checked out JUST TO MAKE SURE.....

Well, hubby had had NO sleep in the past 36 hours so I really felt he needed to get some sleep (he was already asleep by the time I had this and needed to go to the ER). So I called my friend to come and get me and the girls.

So we trekked down the ER all together, all the time I'm freaking out inside because I think I'm having a fucking heart attack, or something related to my heart. I have a family history on my father's side of heart disease.

Get down to the ER. Well, it was PACKED!! BUT.....when you tell a doctor or a nurse that you are having chest discomfort, you basically are shot to the front of the line. So in I went and got hooked up to monitors to do an EKG. The damn thing takes longer to set up than actually run the test! Did the EKG...................NO HEART ATTACK! Oh my goodness, thank the lord for that!!!!

Still.........

So I had to go back into the waiting room, back to the end of the line......

Okay, I was not having my friend wait around for me, while she had my girls. I asked her if she could take them to her house so they could all get some sleep. She agreed. What a friend, I tell you!! She's awesome. Actually all my friends are awesome, because I know they'd all do that for me. Do I know how to pick them or what?

So, got to wait around for about 2 hours or so (got to watch some TV inbetween dozing off in the chair) until they called me in. Got me in a bed, took blood and vitals and hooked me up to a machine to monitor me. Asked me lots of questions, and then basically left me alone for an hour or so. At that point I did doze off for a while. When they came back, they said that everything with my heart looked really good, so they seriously doubted it had anything to do with my heart. They basically think I just had really bad heartburn that was caused partly by anxiety and stress.

Anxiety and stress.......

Well, there you go. That I've had a lot of lately. And here I thought I was doing well this past week with hubby gone. Apparently not!

So it got me thinking......I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom's not around anymore. I don't have her to call when he's out to sea. I KNOW I'm freaking out about what could go wrong with the house while he's gone. Stress............anxiety..........and all that shit that goes with it.............

So they discharge me with some heartburn medication and then the doctor asks me if I'd like some Xanax. Um, okay.....that could probably help.......I was taking Buspar, but I guess that's not working anymore! (I stress about things, I worry a lot, I suffer from anxiety, I freely admit it)

Hubby comes to get me at the ER around 3:00 a.m. or so and we go home. Set the alarm to wake up at 6:30 so I can get my girls from my friend and get them off to school. Oh, and then my youngest starts crying at preschool because she doesn't want me to leave. I just want to go back home and sleep. I'm exhausted by this point. The teachers finally have to pry her away from me so I can leave (just about broke my heart though!) I called the school later though and they said she quit crying VERY shortly after that. Thank goodness!

Had hubby go get the youngest at preschool so I could sleep some more. Then I had my friend bring my eldest home from school so I could still relax some more.

Wednesday night.......took my first Xanax......

Thursday morning.............was a TOTAL ZOMBIE when I woke up! I could barely function!!! I was supposed to take my eldest and her friend to school, but there was no way I could drive! So my friend got them both and took them. I laid on the couch, gave my youngest a variety of foods to eat so I could doze off and it wasn't until about 11 a.m. or so that it started wearing off. Ummm.....okay, not taking THAT again! Or at least that much! Talked to the nurses line and they told me I could take a 1/2 dose. Okay, I'll do that, AT NIGHT! The doc originally had prescribed it for THREE TIMES A DAY! Um, okay, yea, can't do that and function with two children! Maybe if I were single, had no job and could stay in my house all day I could do that, but I don't think so......

Thursday night......took a 1/2 pill.....

Friday morning......woke up feeling stoned! Okay, apparently 1/2 pill isn't working that well either! But at least I was able to function for the most part.

Emailed with a friend of mine who told me to take the pill earlier in the evening and then by morning the effects should wear off.

Friday night......took the 1/2 pill again, but earlier.....went to bed around 9:30, woke up around 8:00 a.m. this morning....

Did not feel stoned. YEA! But still felt a tiny woozy. Okay, that does it, I'm cutting the pill in 1/2 again.......I see the doctor on Monday, so I should be good until then. Then I'm having doc give me something else. NOT Xanax. I do want to stop taking it, because I don't like the effects, but I know that I still have the uneasy feeling all week, partly from the anxiety attack, and worrying that it's going to happen again, and I need something to help me ease that feeling.

Plus the fact that when I was in the ER, they took a portable chest x-ray and then called me on Wednesday to tell me that when the radiologist looked at it, he thought he saw what MAY be a spot. A spot?! SHIT! So I went in on Thursday, got a two view chest x-ray done. I asked, "When will I get the results?" They tell me, "Well, you need to make a follow-up with your doctor." Shit.......

So that's mainly where the Monday doctor visit comes in. To get the results.

I ask the technician, "But what if there's something really wrong with it? Will they let me know before that?"

They tell me, "Oh, if there's something wrong, they'll contact your doctor, who in turn, will call you." Great. More waiting.

But the nurse did tell me that I shouldn't worry. My first x-ray was on a PORTABLE one, AND I was laying down. They couldn't get a good full view of my chest (which is semi-large), and who knows what was on or under that bed. Did make me feel better.....

But it's now Saturday morning, so it's been almost 48 hours since I got that chest x-ray and I have heard NOTHING. I'm taking that as a REALLY good sign. Plus given the fact that all my blood work came back great, not hinting of anything, I'm taking that as a good sign. I have to. If I keep worrying about it, I'm going to lose it again, and have to be placed on the Xanax 3 times a day to keep me in a zombie state so I don't think about it.

But yesterday was a really good day, in the afternoon. I took my eldest shopping for her birthday, and I felt better than I had in the previous days. So I think I'm coming to the end of the tunnel for now.

Busy day today though.....my eldest has a soccer game, then she's having two friends to spend the night over and we're going bowling. So I'll be busy, but not stressful. And that's a good thing.......

A Mostly Labor "Free" Day

Today was a pretty nice day today! For the most part, it was actually relaxing for me, which is something I felt I really haven't had in quite a while.

Last week was the first week of school, so major hectic going on there. Plus it was the first week that hubby went out to sea (he's home now for a week or so), so I was on my own, and it was the first week he was out to sea, that I didn't have my mom to call and take care of me (even if it was just hearing her voice, and having her listen to me ramble). Let's just say last week wasn't the best for me.

Today was nice. Actually, last night was nice too. I went over to my friend, Lynda's house where we gathered to have a going away party for our friend, Nancy, who is moving across country. :( We all used to get together and scrapbook a lot, and now it's not so much, but when we do get together we have a blast. It's my "getaway time", where I don't have to be a mom, I can cuss all I want and not have worry if my children heard me, it's just being with friends. Because let me tell you, everyone needs to have time away from their children. To not to have to take care of someone all the time, to rejuvenate, to preserve your sanity. Even when I get to be alone with hubby, that helps too, but we don't get to do that as often, but we need to make more time for it. We were going to have our "date" next month when we went to my reunion, but he'll be out to sea for that, so we can't have that. :( Having two kids, on a tight budget and not being able to go out just the two of us can suck. ::::::::::::::stupid gas prices and everything else raising their prices::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So anyway, back to today. Took the girls shopping with me in the morning, and for the most part they were pretty good. Then we went to Lynda's house to go swimming. LOVE, LOVE your pool Lynda!! That was SO nice and relaxing! Being out in the hot sun, but being in a pool to cool you off and to relax. That is what I needed. That is what I would LOVE to have here at our house! A pool. Damn, wouldn't that be nice? Well, maybe someday.

So I'm back at home, back to the grind, making dinner, then it's back to the old routine. Get the girls bathed, get lunches ready for tomorrow, get them to bed, maybe have an hour to myself, and then off to bed for me. And tomorrow, back to the reality of life............